We all want to lead. We all want to make things happen. But in the process many of us forget to listen. Instead of hearing, we direct. Instead of understanding, we command. Yet true leadership and meaningful relationships require that you do more then listen, they require that you actually hear what’s being said.
Learning to listen is perhaps one of the greatest skills we can posses, because the more we listen the better we can understand the world around us. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been the greatest listener at times, but I’ve put a great effort into becoming a better communicator.
The following are 6 steps on how to become a more effective communicator.
Commit: If you want to become a better communicator you must commit to improvement. Begin to take notice of how you act during a typical conversation. Do you interrupt frequently? Do you reject other people’s ideas when they don’t resonate with your own? Do you talk as if you know everything? Making the effort to listen will help you remarkably in your relationships.
Don’t Interrupt: In order to effectively communicate you cannot, I repeat,cannot interrupt. Far too often we get so caught up in our own ideas that we blurt out in hopes of gaining control. It’s important that you let the entire message be conveyed before you give your input. When you interrupt you’re robbing the person’s chance to express his or herself fully. Don’t interrupt, you’ll have your chance to speak.
Put Down Your Shield: Many times when we have conversations we go into a discussion with preconceived notions which blocks our ability to learn and understand. Obviously it’s ok for you to have an opinion but, for you to genuinely listen you must open yourself up fully. It’s OK if you don’t agree with what’s being said, embrace any conversation as a place to learn.
You Don’t Know It All: Have you ever said ” That’s not right” without actually knowing? I know I have. The truth is, you don’t know everything so don’t pretend like you do. Instead of being a know-it-all welcome the fact that you have a lot to learn. When you admit you don’t know everything you’re open to listen with an entirely different perspective which significantly increases communication.
Focus: When talking with someone it’s important to give them your full attention. In our age of distraction, we have hundreds of things going on during a typical conversation which ends up taking away meaning. You can’t listen to someone talk while you’re texting on your cell phone. You cant listen to someone talk while you’re day dreaming. You can’t listen when you’re watching T.V. Only by focusing on the conversation at hand can you really take away the significance of what’s being said.
Care: Care about what’s being said. Care about the ideas being discussed. When you’re interested in what’s being it allows for the conversation to flow. We all know when someone isn’t interested in what we have to say. Don’t waste people’s time pretending you’re being attentive when you’re not. Give people the respect they deserve.
If you’re currently struggling with your relationships put in the effort to improve. For the next few days focus on becoming a becoming a better communicator by sincerely listening. You may be surprised by the results.
How do you communicate effectively? How do you give people your full attention? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.
Hi Bud,
You make a sound observation here. One of the most important things we can do as a communicator (and contribution to humanity at large) is to be a “listening.” People always want to know they are understood. Dominating and taking control is the ego’s way of trying to make us look good. When we can simply give people back what they have told us they feel understood and think, “Wow, what a great conversationalist.”
One thing I have learned as a successful business man is that leaders take 100% responsibility in making sure they communicate effectively. If something is not carried out or is misunderstood, a leader will take responsibility for the mistake. This has been a guiding principle I have adhered to. Even when my ego wants to blame everyone else for mistakes I have to realize it is my responsibility. Ultimately this approach gets the job done right and garners respect as a leader.
I often have to consciously remind myself to listen and be present. I’m easily distracted by other people’s conversations, a running ‘to-do’ list in my mind, etc., so I repeat the ‘be here now,’ mantra when I find my attention wandering.
Another thing that has helped me a lot is to just let people be who they are, own their opinions, etc. I used to get all riled up inside when someone had a vastly different opinion that me on something, and as a result, I didn’t really hear what they said.
hey bud, thanks for the timely message – i’ve been pretty emphatic with myself lately in improving my connections with people.
but what about in situations when the other person goes off on such a long tangent that the both of us lose the original point they were trying to get across? i find it hard navigating those situations whilst still allowing them to communicate their point uninterrupted, rrrr…
Bud, this was a very good article. I always ask people to consider if they truly, actively listen, or if they simply wait for their turn to talk.
I also communicate using a lot of questions. As Brian Tracy says, “Whoever is asking the questions is controlling the conversation.” Simply by asking a lot of questions and listening to the answers I get labeled a good communicator. Really no secret other than that.
One indicator of whether or not you are listening well is to observe how often you respond to people by telling a similar story about yourself. I call this “Plus 1″ syndrome, and it is important to be mindful of it.
Many times during a converstation, we would think that we already know what the other person is trying to say to us, but often times we really don’t. I see this happens so many times. To be able to listen closely and carefully is essential to communicating effectively. Thanks Bud
Nice post Bud. I think it is difficult to always listen to everything people say – we are often thinking about what they have already said or planning what we are going to say next. (And thats without all the other things we are thinking!)
Making a conscious effort to focus on their words makes a huge difference and builds rapport really well.
Many thanks,
Kate
Good article
I think by “Don’t Interrupt” you mean LISTEN. Because that is a big one in learning how to communicate effectively.
I love that you included “Don’t interrupt”, even though I do it a LOT, especially if I am fighting a battle all by myself.
By interrupting too often, you are basically giving the other permission to do the same to you.
Keeping yourself from interrupting is helpful, too, as it allows you to build up more ideas for your defense. Great post!
Good points! I think it’s important that people “feel” heard. Questions are a big part of this, matcing body language, and speaking in the “representational system”(NLP speak) of the other person have worked for me.
Nice article.
Some more points that we should consider for effective listening
- Keep eye contact (this helps with attention levels).
- “Listen” to the speaker’s body language.
- Put aside distracting thoughts. Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal (counter argument)
- Reflect what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is…” and “Sounds like you are saying…” are great ways to reflect back.
- Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say…” “Is this what you mean?”
- Don’t suggest words or finish sentences when a pause occurs.
- Listen, don’t solve or judge.
- Be aware of your “non” listening behaviors ex. pencil tapping, raised eyebrows, blank stares, “zoning” out.
I have blogged about Active Listening a while ago
http://usmanshaheen.wordpress.com/2009/08/02/listening-tips/
You offer some really great tips here. I must admit that I still have a tendency to interrupt sometimes. I appreciate having someone in my life to remind me when I do this because it’s truly something I seek to change.
For me, caring is what makes it easier to communicate effectively. When I genuinely care about the other person, their thoughts, their feelings, their opinions–suddenly it doesn’t seem like such a chore to shut up and listen.
Nea
Hi,
Great post! I especially love this tip: “You Don’t Know It All.” How true! If we could ram that one point into our heads, we would immediately become better listeners and communicators! We often fail to hear what the other person says because we are way too absorbed in our inner chatter and are often planning what /we/ have to say to them, even as we pretend to listen.
God made each and every one of us with 2 ears and one mouth. It’s best we use them proportionately.
i like the post, especially the put down your shield part, so true
Thanks for the support man.
When people go off on tangents…listen closer. The point to the tangent may seem different, even no where near the previous one however I can say with confidence that they are still talking about the same idea.
Example: your friend bought a car and while telling you about his new car he gets off on a tangent about how his wife hasn’t cooked or cleaned or how his neighbor keeps telling him to stop parking in their spot. The idea present in all could very well be the same. The flow of the conversation will tell you what the original vocalized idea was (a new car that turns when I tell it to turn), listening without worrying whats the new point (theres only ever one point) will have you realizing his issues with his girlfriend are the same as what caused his excitement over the car (she’s not turning when I tell her to turn) as well as with the neighbor (this is my car…I turned it where I wanted now you want to tell me I can’t do that)
This was just a simple example made up on the spot to convey an idea…life is never this easy to figure out, usually because we get in the way.