The Secret to Not Caring What People Think
Glen / 
50 Comments / 
August 7th, 2008 / 
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Whether it is becoming plugged into our identity, quitting alcohol or even becoming more confident, our worry of what people think can really affect us. From the jobs we choose, to the people we date and the risks we take, we often limit our actions through fear of criticism or judgment from others.
This is a serious issue, and a problem many people experience, therefore I’ve taken my personal experience and the advice of others to reveal the secrets to not caring what people think.
Why we Care what people Think
First of all, I want to say that sometimes caring what people think is not a bad idea; the part of our mind that produces this fear is often in place to protect us. For example, if we didn’t care what anybody thought then we might go out and kill somebody or run through shopping centers completely naked. These are extreme examples but should help you understand why the mindset is in place.
I’ve spent months trying to understand why we care what people think, and as (surprisingly) usual, the answer is relatively simple and the heart of what this website is about. The reason we care what people think is because we base our identity on their judgments of us, positive or negative. Because we think that part of our identity is how people view us (funny, cool, confident, shy) then we must protect that so that our identity is not affected.
What people say about you is none of your business
- Sean Stephenson
Of course, your identity is not what people think of you, it is just…you. If you are doing something that makes you feel guilty within, then this is something you will have to deal with beforehand.
How to (partially) not Care what People Think
Personally, I don’t think it is possible to completely stop caring what people think of us, and I don’t think that is such a bad thing. We are social creatures and that is how we learn, if we are acting like an idiot and someone notices then informs us, we may realise that we could have been acting more appropriately.
I realise that this is a very important topic to a lot of people – myself included – and therefore I have gone into detail with the following information to ensure that there is enough content to answer most questions and concerns. I was surprised to find that there are nearly 4,000 people on 43things.com that wish they could stop caring what people think.
Imagine how different the world would be if we could all push to do the things we want to do, be the people we want to be and live how we want to live. Imagine how different the world would be if we were all plugged in…that is the aim of this business.
1. Stop Over-thinking
Although this is a website about empowering the readers, you are not the most important person in the world, at least not to others. It is probably in the majority of occasions that you think you are being judged where people don’t actually care for the thing you are worrying about. Do you judge every single person that you meet, probably not.
If you do, you might want to sort out that side of your life first as there’s no wonder you care what people think of you. The best way to test it is to push your limits a little, do something that is a bit out of the ordinary for you and see how people react. Chances are that only your “friends” might notice the change and make comments, but a random stranger really won’t care.
2. Put things into perspective
To people that aren’t naturally concerned what others think about them, having an issue with it seems quite strange or even silly. The reason is that when you put ‘issues’ like this under the microscope you can see they are really not worth having. You only get ONE chance at life in the physical world and you are going to allow other people’s thoughts make it less enjoyable?
Sounds silly now doesn’t it.
Apart from the fact that life really is too short to worry about things like this, the other aspect is that people’s feelings change. For example, say one moment people insult you for wearing yellow trainers, therefore you think they shouldn’t be worn and that is the last time you wear them. What if this persons opinions change, and they start wearing yellow shoes themselves; is that the only time you’ll put your trainers back on?
I used to know a boy who was bullied for growing his hair long, yet within 6 months, more than half the boys in my year (including those who insulted him) grew theirs as well. People change their minds, so what they judge you on now might not matter in the future. Are you going to wait until something is deemed cool or acceptable to be the person you want to be? Hopefully questions like this help you put things into perspective.
3. Be confident in your actions
Seeing as it’s likely we’ll always have some thought towards the feelings of others, what if we could really eliminate the amount of times it happens? Well, you can. The trick, if you want to call it that, is to simply be more confident in the decisions and actions you are taking.
Have you never seen someone that might be wearing something out of the ordinary or acting different to the surrounding crowd but things just seem normal and they aren’t being judged?
If you are wearing yellow shoes and are clearly uncomfortable in your choice then people are going to target you because they can see that and they probably want to feel good about themselves. However, if you can wear the shoes with pride and confidence, whilst clearly not caring what other people think then you’ll notice the negative reactions to be very small if any.
4. Learn to control your emotions
When you start to try things like pushing your limits or simply being more confident, you will undoubtedly have mixed emotions in your head. From stress, worry and fear, to relief and happiness, it can be a bit of a mind roller coaster; that is where controlling your emotions comes in.
The simple practice I learned from Eckhart Tolle goes a bit like this:
- Be conscious of an emotion inside you i.e. fear or worry
- Observe it within your mind
- Notice that if you are observing it, it can’t be a part of you
- Watch the emotion disappear
As soon as you observe an emotion, you are separating yourself from it and thus it can no longer exist.
5. Accept yourself for who you are
If you are constantly judging yourself then there will be no doubt to the fact that you’ll judge what other people think of you. The main cause for this is often self-limiting beliefs or society has made you think there is something wrong with you. Understandably, accepting yourself is not the easiest thing to do but there are things that help.
First of all, think of all the things that you don’t like about yourself and write them down. Now, look at them more closely and see if there is a possibility to change them. For example, if you are thin and don’t like that, then look at ways in which you can gain weight and bulk up. However, If you wish you were taller, it’s not exactly something you can change. For this, look at what could be worse, for example if you are 5″ 7′ and really don’t like that, just think that at least you are not 8″ 7′ or even 5″. You might not be at your perfectly desired height but there are people “worse off”.
These things are more of a temporary solution, as if you constantly look towards helping yourself by seeing people who are worse off or looking to change yourself, you can never accept you. As time goes by and you realise how unimportant the things you thought were actually are, things get easier and your level of caring plummets rapidly.
Now What?
The best way to deal with this is to allow this article to change your mindset and look for other areas of your life to focus on rather than caring so much about the opinions of others. Most importantly, don’t forget the points made here and the examples accompanying them. My main message of inspiration is that life is too short to spend time worrying over things you can’t control, and issues that other people actually have.
I want to leave you with a video I highly recommend you watch, and one I promise you’ll find both inspirational and motivational:
If you enjoyed this post, I would appreciate if you share it on Twitter, Facebook or Delicious!
I believe people are free to think whatever they want about me or anything else in the world. Just because they are thinking so, it doesn’t become true.
It’s great that you have that belief Avani, you are right though…peoples opinions of you are not who you are
You got it!
Yes life is too short.
I loved this article so much, thank you!
I’m really glad you liked it ML, thanks for the comment!
This is such a good article. Thank you for taking the time to write this. The tone is so patient and reasonable that I can’t help but take it to heart.
Also ties in very well on the article about quitting alcohol and the associated social pressures.
Cheers!
Excellent comment Sarah, thanks a lot for your kind words, it means a lot to me!
Hi Glen,
Great article – I think I relate to “over thinking” and being judgmental when I meet new people, so in turn find I care what new people think of me! Something for me to work on and I think pushing your boundaries is key for lots of things.
I’ve found this blog through ViperChill which I have followed for a while and probably find I can relate to just as much you write here and probably more! I am pleased to see you have found success with this site in a short space or time. Quite inspiring and lots of insightful entries… Lots I can take into a new project I am staring on!
Cheers
Joe
Thank you so much for this article! I am a constant worry- freak that people dislike me. Just this past weeks I’ve been worrying about 2 co- workers who dislike me because of something I had to explain to them in the past. They did not like it apparently. They have been talking about me behind my back i just found out. Reading this article made me realize I shouldn’t worry about them anymore. You’re right. There are other worthwhile things in this world to focus my mind on.
I am starting a process of self- healing because for years I have constantly blamed myself for doing this, saying this, over things that I think I shouldn’t but I just couldn’t stop worrying over and made me think about at the end of the day over and over and over, berating myself. I know I am an intelligent woman, I have a career as a company trainer but it just makes me sad that this one simple issue i can’t get over.
I know it’s a hard process but I pray I will overcome it. Again, thank you for this.
Well stated. Stumbled.
I am a designer in the making who is gaining fame but needs a part time job to fund my efforts as a designer so i can launch my collections to the world.
My biggest fear is working in a super market in my area because i fear that people i know will see me and think i am a failure. i have a complex about this because, despite finishing university, i was always bullied at school for being ignorant and a loser and ugly etc.too many people beat me down as a kid because i was treated as underneath them. now many of them are doctors, accountant, lawyers etc… and i’m a budding designer but i could not be seen dead in a normal job in case one of them sees me….its so hard. i feel so afraid that people will think “oh i saw that person who we went to school with and didn’t get anywhere because she is working in a supermarket”. i would HATE to have my ex-teachers see me working in a super market or something public. they were the worst, they always loved to see me fail and often said i would amount to nothing.they laughed at me for asking intelligent questions that were beyond them (of course i discovered that later, that they felt inferior to kids who were smart enough to question them).
I am trying really hard but its a horrible painful complex that i have about my personal image.
To someone insecure, what you’re feeling is very normal. I also feel that. I hope this article helps you overcome it just as I am overcoming my insecurities. Sucks that we were created to have such flaws that make such big big impact on our lives when the truth of the mater is, nothing really matters in this world when you die except for the good things you did for others.
Hang in there. I know it’s a tough process to get over and everytime I feel that insecurity creeping up on me, I just remember these words: “What other people think of me is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!” I also keep in mind that soon I will leave this world so I should not waste it spending time on thinking about others think of me.
thank you very much. i feel better already. thanks so much for hearing me out, wishing you all happiness, health, success and confidence!
its true, its the good we have done for others thats important.
best wishes xxxx
@someone insecure – great to here, I’m sure everything will work out. And please feel free to stop by the in the future
@barbara – thanks a lot for your contribution!
Yes well writen
First of all, focus on the negative strongly, picture the worst case scenario of someone walking in while you are working in a supermarket.
Close your eyes (after reading the questions of course)
1. Ask yourself “Could I let go?”
*Pause 20 seconds*
2. Ask yourself “Would I let go?”
*Pause 20 seconds*
3. Ask “When?”
See how you feel about it afterwards, repeat until necessary
thank you very much. i feel better already. thanks so much for hearing me out, wishing you all happiness, health, success and confidence!
its true, its the good we have done for others thats important.
best wishes xxxx
Hey Someone, excellent news, I’m really glad that this article helped you out!
Excellent post Glen!!! Very inspiring..Thank you!!
Thumbs up on stumbleupon
I have one life only and if I start to live it according to how poeple view that then I am going to completely get nuts. One life I want to live my way on my conditions. Nothing more nothing less.
Thank you so much for this, I have been dying of anxiety and un un-necessary stress when one of my secrets came out in the open. I was even thinking of death, the humiliation was unbearable. Now I realize how silly it is to associate YOURSELF with the illusion of the person that others see. Live to live, not to be praised/ honored/admired/respected….Live to breath,love, and enjoy life! Life is way too short.
Thank you again
I’m so glad you got all this sorted, and glad that you can see it all really is just an illusion.
Thanks a lot for coming back and leaving a comment!
Cs99: I loved your last sentence. Oftentimes I forget that you live to love and enjoy life.
Glen: There are times that I slip and feel anxious again especially when there is fierce competition at work. I go back to this article and read it again and it makes me feel better. I can’t thank you enough over and over. If you have other articles on how to ignore too much competition at work, it would really make my day, nay my entire year! Because I know whatever is in that article will certainly help me.
Sometimes the problem is that you are TRYING to ignore it, and because it is still there that just makes it worse. Try and accept it, and just let it be. It will be difficult at first and you’ll feel ’strange’ for not reacting. Notice that strangeness and just let it be.
I am a designer and work around many others who are fiercely competitive. The egos are huge! We all get pressured by the stress of our company’s demands and i often get anxious about my performance. What I am doing to help myself to overcome this and not to cut my creative performance short- is to remind myself of all the successes I have had with the company in terms of what I’ve produced for them which has been successful. Kind of reminds me of my strengths,-and i can look past the nonsense, and focus on going forward with more, and new successes!
God bless…I know I’m still a work in progress!
I’ll try to do that. Thanks Glen!
You definitely open up my mind with this article. Friends and family mocking me as a Fashion Designer. It simply because I am a Guy. In their eyes, fashion is a female gender career. They would say you will never make it in Singapore. I gave up my passion in the past and it left me with depression.
I am putting 200 percent to follow my passion this time. No more turning back by people comments.
Good list, I agree with most of those things. The sooner you can stop caring, the sooner these worries can be a thing of the past. I too have written a similar article http://personalwebguide.com/what-others-think because I used to be in the same boat that many people here may be in. Now I don’t even stress it, and I find things like public speaking, which make a lot of people very nervous, is something that I actually ENJOY!
idk what i should i wanna sing in front of people but i get very shy and scared when im in front of people what should i do cause i can sing good and im even scared 2 sing in front of my parents i know some people talk about me but im 2 shy
Hey man your post is wonderfull honestly i follwed what your trainer said and man i feel way better!!!
love you for posting this
thx bye
Very nice article. This subject has been on my mind a lot lately, because I do my best not to care what people think, yet I end up wanting to scream at myself for the major insecurity around my peers (I wasn’t like this a year ago — I don’t know what happened!). The most recent was when I was at a Dr.’s office, and already starting to get bored, so I wanted to take my book out and read. The only thing was that there were three people in the room who were around my age, and my book is huge, so I was terrified of what they would think, and just sat there for an hour, bored out of my mind. I hate it.
But whenever I start to get confident about myself, people label me as arrogant or b*****, or even egotistical.
Hopefully, this article will help change my views around so that I can live happier. Thanks so much!
When you worry about what other people think it stresses you and makes you less confident. We can’t let people mold us into the person that they think we should be.
Hi Glen,
Thanks for your article. It’s a great help and it also helps me to know that this is such a common problem (I’m not the only one). I’ve been working on this issue, but my father is very sick and I’m very anxious about it. Strangely, I realize that the intense anxiety is heightening my fear of what people think of me again. My anxiety is about his health, but I’m also obsessively thinking about what people will think (am I not visiting him enough in the hospital? what if they don’t know how much I care?). It just seems like general anxiety is kicking up this particular issue and it seems irrational.
Vanessa
thank you so much this really helped and right now i feel really better about going into school tommorrow
After I started going out to the bars every weekend, I quickly learned that people are more worried about what other’s are thinking of them than worried about what you look like.
If you have ever tripped in public or dropped weight off a barbell at the gym, it can be embarrassing…but when you laugh it off and don’t feel “judged” no one will judge you or laugh at you.
I’ve learned to walk through the world with ease. The world is a “light” place for me
Great post Glen
Just wanted to say this is an awesome post, thanks a LOT, it really helped me figure some stuff out.
Thank you, this proved to be very..changing
I like that word…Changing. This article changed me too.
I have just read this after being subjected to ‘judgement’ at school. I found almost all of what you have mentioned in this article relates to me immensely and am glad that i am not alone in this (which wallowing in self pity does tend to lead you to do). I am going to try to go out into the world and use it to change me and my mindset. It is already having an effect, especially the ‘observing’technique and the video.
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for this article. The fear or worry caused by what people think of me is probably my last major obstacle. It has only held me back. I feel like if I get rid of it, I’ll be free.
For a school project, I have to interview someone in a career I’m interested in. I’d like to interview you. It isn’t much, less than 10 questions over email.
Thank you,
Jason