The Dark Side of Confidence
Bud / 
47 Comments / 
March 8th, 2010 / 
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In the personal development world it is generally accepted that confidence is a good characteristic to have. No doubt, being self confident has many benefits and plays a large role in the formula of success. I know personally, that without faith in myself and my ability to write I wouldn’t be where I am today.
But lately, I’ve been thinking about the other side of the story, the dark side of confidence. Can confidence be damaging to our growth? Today I would like to share with you the side of the confidence we often ignore: The dark side of confidence.
A Personal Example
Basic psychology has proven that as a whole, we are generally overconfident in our abilities. Numerous studies have shown, that when asked to rate our ability to perform a specific task on a scale of 1-10, our ‘ego’ tends to exaggerate. Some argue that our overconfidence is even responsible for our current financial crisis. This past week taught me first hand that I’m not immune to the phenomena of overconfidence.
During my first few years of high school I ran nearly 50 miles a week (80km.) I was fortunate enough to be on in one of the best programs in the nation and consequently was an above average runner. It was safe to say that running cross country was 90 percent of my life back in those days.
After moving to China however, I slowly lost motivation and drifted away from running and as a result gained a bit of weight. While I’m not heavy by any means, I’m definitely not the skinny kid I used to be. This past week I was feeling ‘confident’ in my fitness levels, I told my buddy that I would be able to run 2 miles in under 12 minutes, something I could easily do back in my prime. I was so certain I could perform the feat I even said the word “guarantee” a few times.
It turns out, I was nowhere near as in shape as I thought I was, as I ended up running only 6:17 for one mile and then stopping. When I heard the time I was in disbelief. How was I so confident, yet able to fail so miserably?
The Dark Sides of Confidence
Delusional: Having too much confidence can actually make you delusional. Just as you can delude yourself into thinking you’re not good enough, you can just as easily reach the other side of the spectrum. Personal development isn’t about deluding yourself into someone you’re not, it is about accepting truth. I know plenty of people who are far too optimistic. While perhaps not as destructive as being pessimistic, deluding yourself with optimism is just as silly.
Cockiness: Cockiness and laziness often go hand in hand. You see it all the time in the world of professional sports, with athletes thinking that success is ‘owed’ to them. Often these athletes then become negligent in their training and fail to achieve what they could have according to their raw talent. How many times have you half-assed a project because you knew it was easy? How many times have you stopped trying because you knew your skills were better than someone else? Did that really help you in the long run?
Arrogance: One of my favorite pastimes is having deep conversations with my friends about anything related to life (yes I’m aware that’s a big topic ;). Yet there is always someone (I admit occasionally me) that fails to accept that they may not be right. I like a person who is confident in their beliefs, but not so confident to where they ‘know’ they are certain. I’ve run into this several times when discussing religion and it quickly disrupts the flow. Your beliefs are from your experience only. Simply put, arrogance makes you look like an ass.
Unrealistic: While I think it can sometimes pay to be unrealistic, it’s important your life is sprinkled with truth. When I told my friend that I would be able to run 2 miles under 12 I wasn’t just being confident I was being unrealistic. Having not run for nearly two years and having gained nearly 30 pounds, it was naive to think that I would be able to do what I did when I was in the best shape of my life. So often we cling to the past to make up for what we are failing to do now.
Finding Real Confidence
So how do you find real confidence?
Be Realistic: Again, being unrealistic has its place. I will be the first to admit I have spent much of my teenage years reaching for the stars and dreaming of what can be. Yet you must be honest with yourself and your current capabilities. You won’t be able to accomplish everything you set out to do right at this very moment. It takes time to develop the skills and connections to make your world like you want, but with action your goals aren’t too far away.
Accept Your Imperfections: Don’t deny your imperfections, embrace them. You don’t have to justify any of your shortcomings and you don’t apologize for being who you are. Your imperfections are just as important as the exceptional qualities you posses. Be confident in knowing that no matter where you currently are in life, you are enough.
Try and Fail: How do you know if you’re being overconfident? You don’t. The only way you can be certain is to test yourself often and get ready to fail. Failing is the greatest indicator of success. Those who don’t have time to fail don’t have time for success. As you continue to learn from your mistakes you will gain a better understanding of what your limits are.
Confidence can be tricky. Sometimes it’s easy to have too much confidence and in other cases it’s easy to have too little. The goal? Aim for somewhere in between.
Does confidence have a dark side? Did I get it wrong? Can being too confident hold you back from embracing your full potential? Please share your thoughts in the comments below, I would love to hear what you think.
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Heya Bud!
The dark side of confidence is indeed arrogance and that attitude of superiority. It is often in youth that this dark side comes out, and only after many years do we realize that arrogance is not the way to go, even if we are better than others and have greater skills than others.
When we are indeed much better, we have to opportunity to give and to teach.
I have felt this dark side too, and often it was misplaced arrogance. I am pretty confident, but I have learnt that being humble and always knowing that there is someone better than me is one of the best ways to stay away from the dark side.
Thanks for the link
Cheers!
Diggy
Yeah man! That’s one of the unfortunate side effects of pursuing personal development. Sometimes we feel as if we are better than others when in reality we are not. I’ll admit I’ve let me ego get the best of me sometimes.
Conquering the dark side is where it is at.
Being humble is a key thing – no matter how good you become, you always remember that tomorrow you maybe “nobody” again. Everyday is a gift! Humble people also gain a lot of respect.
Nice one Bud. I think that confidence per se is not a quality. It depends what you’re confident about and how much your confidence is rooted in reality. The real quality in this emotional area is not confidence, it’s self-esteem. But that’s something else.
All the best,
Eduard
Hey dude. Thanks for stopping by. Self-esteem and confidence in my opinion go hand in hand. How are they different man?
Hand in Hand without a doubt – Confidence is seen in people with self-esteem and people with self-esteem are confident.
You hit the nail on its head! Thanks for the comment Ross!
NIce post Bud
Enjoyed reading it and hope you continue to post such interesting topics as this one
Trent
Trent when’s your spring break dude? I might be back in Texas for a bit late March!
What part of Texas? Austin?
The Woodlands.
Great topic Bud. I often have conversations about this with my husband … I can be a bit of a dreamer and he is more realistic. We both bring a good balance to the other, but I think we both realise you need a bit of both in life. Great example, thanks for sharing Bud.
Jen
Hey Jen! Yeah I’m a pretty big dreamer myself however I also try to stay realistic a lot of the time. Although to some living freely and wherever I want for my career is unrealistic to a lot of people. I’ll prove them wrong
My spring break is april 2-11. Its so late bc we got mardi gras break
Whens ur spring break?
Hey Bud,
Great read. I think one of the big downfalls with overconfidence is delusion – but at the same time, I think there are times when it helps. Being delusional and really believing I can accomplish something has at times made me successful, because I didn’t realize that what I was attempting was so ridiculous
It’s only in hindsight that when I look back at something I think wow – that was a really stupid risk to take. When I take those risks, it’s possible I’ll fail. But if I actually knew and weighed the risks appropriately – perhaps I would have never taken the chance at all =)
Hey Sid! Thanks for taking the time to stop by! You’re a blogging legend
The purpose of this post wasn’t necessarily to stray you from being unrealistic but rather make you aware of that choice. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from people saying they want to have an abundant income from blogging so they can live wherever they want. Yet many of them are under the illusion that journey is easy, when it most certainly is not.
To be clear: I’m all for taking risks.
Good advice! Being arrogant and cocky works for some people, I’m not sure why. Being confident and you and your abilities means that you don’t “plug into” competition and stuff like that. You intuitively know that what’s yours cannot be taken away from you.
Like your definition Rebecca.
If we knew how much trouble it would cost to do anything new and big and different, we’d hardly ever start.
Thats why Nike is genius when they say ” just do it ”
“Try and Fail” – This is essential to being confident. From applying to jobs to meeting girls at bars, you must try and fail.
Great article Bud. Thanks.
I wonder “Stubborn” would be another part of the dark side of confidence. While this may seem to fit in with cockiness or arrogance, I think there is a slight difference here. Sometimes it can be useful to be tenacious and hang in there, but sometimes one has to see the writing on the wall and move on. Tenacity has its place but if one is excessively tenacious, then this can be quite dark. Perhaps that’s another point about those dark sides is how in some cases in moderation they may not be bad to have. Some people may dismiss another’s dreams or respond with a, “You really think you could do that?!?!”
“Try and Fail” may be better titled, “Try and Discover,” as in not getting the desired outcome may lead to finding out other things that could be just as valuable. I’m reminded of the Thomas Edison quote, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” That seems to fit here in a way. Like so many things, moderation may be key in having just the right amount of it.
Hey JB! Thanks for the addition! Stubborn would be a nice add!
Wow bud you are truly a gifted writer you know how to express yourself. To be honest with you I didn’t know this stuff. You really brought light to somethings I didn’t see things. Like being overly confident just makes you damn blind. I see why you were chosen to take over this blog.
I have to agree with you here.
I think not so many people have such gifts to be able to bring out clearly what used to only be a ‘blur-in-the-air’ stuff. not to mention in a clear, no-B.S way!
Once again, another great article/writing by Bud.
Thanks Alex. That means a lot to me. Glad I could help!
Never ceased to be amazed by how much runners know about themselves and what it means to be human.
Great article! I feel the same way about my fitness since I’ve began living in China. I went to the rock climbing gym after having not climbed for a few months and talk about a harsh crash down to reality!!
I couldn’t agree more with truly accepting your imperfections. None of us will ever be perfect. It’s only through embracing those imperfections, showing them off to the world, and being truly comfortable in your own skin that you can understand yourself.
This will also have the added benefit of letting other people feel you are much more trustworthy and they may let their own colors show around you because you are such a comfortable person.
Thanks for the post Bud!
Hey man! Where in China did you live? I was in Shanghai for two years!
you’re right,
but sometimes i wonder where is the line between accepting your imperfections, and simply giving up too early?
example: in your case, where is the fine line between accepting that you’re not fit anymore to climb rocks, or that you simply give up doing it again too soon?
I’d be glad to hear back from you (or Bud)!
Hey Niki great question. Accepting your imperfections in my opinion doesn’t mean to give up. It simply means not to beat yourself up over your weaknesses. There’s always room to improve.
Nice post. Even though over-confidence has disadvantages I still believe slightly over-confident is the best for most things – especially when ‘dating’.
Other than that – it’s difficult to watch out for arrogance – it seems you’ve got to go through an arrogance phase at least once before you know your perfect slight over-confidence level.
Absolutely Craig, I’m not saying being confident is a terrible thing just raising awareness to it’s dark side.
My experience has been that confidence increases in proportion to income. This can prove to be unfortunate depending on how the income was earned. People with inherited wealth/family money have a sense of entitlement out of proportion to their talent.
If you are someone who wants to do something bold, that adds value to other people’s lives then you will need an over-abundance of confidence. I’ll take the tradeoff of arrogance if the dream is big enough.
Good point Hans. There is no doubt you NEED A LOT OF CONFIDENCE to be successful. But do you really want to repel people with arrogance? I think there can be a balance there.
Dude
Good article but I disagree *massively* with the whole “be realistic” thing.
Example:
One year ago I quit my job and set up a sales consultancy, with the aim to double my income working just half the time. In the middle of a recession.
People’s reactions? “This is unrealistic”
What happened? I did it, “attracting” a client which enabled me to earn over $30000 in one month working 3 days a week.
Now, I’m transitioning to earning my income fully from the internet.
People’s reactions? “Unrealistic”
Me – my income is growing every month, and I’ll get there (soon!)
I agree with you on the whole “delusional” thing, to a point: for example, I saw a video with Will Smith the other day where he said all truly successful people HAVE to be somewhat insanse and delusional.
Only delusional people change the world. Only delusional people can look at the status quo and say “no – there must be another way”
This article is good for people who want to “do OK”. People who want to change things HAVE to embrace the dark side of confidence. You’ve gotta delude yourself into thinking you are more than you are.
Sure, this leads to stress and hurt, but it also leads to riches and success.
“Before I had it, I closed my eyes and imagined” – Kanyeezy.
Much love Bud x
Hey man. I think we both believe the same thing: So let me make some things clear.
Call me a hypocrite but I do think I am VERY UNREALISTIC sometimes at least thats what society tells me
I’m not big on the whole idea of college: something that many tell me it is NEEDED to succeed. And while I’ll openly admit it helps in our society I don’t think it’ necessary especially for what I want to do in my line of work.
I aslo want to make living completely online and be able to live anywhere I want. A lot of people don’t believe me but I know it will happen. This is because I’m taking ACTION and have REALISTIC expectations. I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow with a million dollars in my bank account. I know that my dreams and goals take hard work and sweat.
So in that sense I’m very unrealistic. The point of this article was to simply raise awareness. I honestly think you can be “unrealistic” but also have truth some truth embedded. I’m mostly talking about those people who sit on their ass “visualizing” success and expect it to simply fall on their door step.
I’m all for being “outside of the box.” A few months ago I put a goal up on my cork board that says ” make 1,000 dollars online by June 1st.” Prior to that I had made NO money online yet within THREE WEEKS, Glen emailed me and asked me to write an e-book with him for you guessed it 1,000 dollars. Talk about weird man.
Congrats on your success by the way. Hope I cleared up a few things. Yes the world changers are delusional.
.
Great response dude.
We’re (almost!) on the same page.
Let me quickly play devil’s advocate re:
“I’m mostly talking about those people who sit on their ass “visualizing” success and expect it to simply fall on their door step…”
(as I’m a MASSIVE proponent of the freaky powers of visualization)
So…
What exactly did you do (aside from “sitting on your ass visualizing”!) to “earn” your $1000?
From what you wrote, looks like you sat on your ass, visualized what you want, and the universe (read: Glen) hooked you up…
Or was that just a freaky coincidence?
I’d never recommend anyone just sit there visualizing (rather than using it as part of a personal development strategy), but I’ve experienced some rather terrifying results from doing simply that.
What do you think? Maybe an idea for a post – ie “to what extent does visualization work?”
Just like to see your “rational” explanation for your rather well-timed luck!
Anyway – night mate, I’m off to visualize me TWO grand
Peace!
Bud i love your article. But being realistic as WILL SMITH said is ” the most traveled road to mediocrity”. I’d rather be crazy than insane. Plus realistic in the eye of the perceiver. The individual who perceives the world as he see fits.
Many may have thought flight was unrealistic, but the wright brothers was right all along. Great post tho man. Keep up the good work. I’d love to do a post with you.
Holla at me PEACE!
Yeah man I see that Will Smith quote too.
Everyone’s going mad for a bit of the Fresh Prince lately!!
Will Smith is the man. Have you seen his video on running and reading?
I would say that society nurtures you to be ambitious…but being ambitious is a double edge sword…it makes people be divided within themselves..they are always trying to become something which they perceive to be better…but most don’t have the courage to see themselves as they are because it’s not what they want to be in the future so it hurts to see that…so then you make up 100′s of beliefs that are in constant inner conflict…and we even have beliefs to help us not see the inner contradictions we have… beliefs are simply band aids…they help you feel like you know something..and look into it deeply your beliefs are not yours, they where given to you…I don’t know god therefore I believe in the bible or a particular religion…so I feel that it’s not a matter of confidence but a matter of awareness…confidence will be a consequence of being an aware conscious being…and confidence that is not for or against something..good luck on the journey my friend…
Yeah but you get to wield an awesome yellow light saber.
I agree, often, too often cockiness is the result of confidence. Confidence can be a wonderful thing, or an awful thing, just depending on who has it and how it is used
Great post per usual.
Bud,
Thanks for sharing this uncommon point of view about confidence!
The way of eliminating the risk of that “negative side of confidence” is awareness and self-knowledge…
All the best,
Boris
Really nice article. Confidence is extremely necessary in most brave situations. But over-confidence might make you lose everything you gained after a point…
Good post.
“The dark side of confidence is arrogance and self-delusion.”