Here at PluginID we talk a lot about ways in which you can improve yourself, we talk about why you should celebrate your success, simple ways to be happy, and quitting the what if game. Yet up until this point we haven’t talked much about a very important part of who you are: Family.
Part of plugging in to your identity is realizing how important your relationships are specifically your family. Without a doubt, your family ( or rather the people you like to call your family) plays a extraordinary role in how your life turns out.
Today I’d like to share with you ways in which you can make the most out of your family relationships no matter where you currently stand.
Creating A Stronger Family Bond
By no means do I claim to have perfect relationships all around the board. In fact, my fair share of struggles in this area allows me to share my insights openly and honestly.
While it’s not my place to tell you “leave” your family, I do believe it is unwise to continually surround yourself with individuals who bring you down. That being said, I am convinced that by putting effort into your family, you can significantly improve the life of your relationships regardless of where you began.
Establish Boundaries
Because your family plays such an important part of your life, it is important you have boundaries in place. Blood is not an excuse for emotional or physical abuse.
The truth of the matter is you and your family ( whether that be by blood or level of connection) won’t always see eye to eye. Therefore it’s crucial you set boundaries on what is and isn’t allowed.
For example if you love drawing art but your family constantly puts your creativity down it’s important that you make it clear that that is unacceptable. Or if want to start a business but those you love deem it risky, let them know of your true desires.
While you and your family may not always get along, it should never result in tearing people down. Establishing boundaries allows for your family to be on the same page even if they may disagree.
Create Your Own Family
Your family doesn’t need to be defined by blood. In fact, your relationships outside of your immediate family can be just as strong and rewarding. While the nature of the relationship may be a bit different the connection potential is just the same.
As you know, we can’t control who our immediate family is. Many of us are fortunate enough to grow up in a loving house hold (I surely was), but there are also those who were not so lucky. While you can’t always choose your circumstances you can always decide how to react.
Crafting a family that enables you to grow in a loving environment is perhaps one of the most important steps you can take. When you surround yourself with individuals thats support your goals and dreams instead of nit pick at them, it can accelerate your growth and enjoyment of life tremendously.
You know the people that you want part of your family, and you know the people you should shy away from.
Spend Quality Time
With a million facets vying for our attention, it’s especially important to make your family time count. When you’re in the presence of those you love do your best to really be there.
Put away your phone and turn off that never ending to do list in your head. Instead, fully appreciate those you care about. I can’t tell you how much quality time I’ve wasted with my family in the past, all because I didn’t make the effort to be fully present.
It’s amazing what can happen to your relationships when instead of being on your phone or having your mind else where, you tune into the connection possibilities at hand. Again, I struggle with this just as much as the next person, but a bit of conscious effort can go a long way.
Making the most out of the time you spend with loved ones is no doubt common sense yet many continue to delude their time by accepting interruptions and being else where in their head. Do you?
Admit That You’re Wrong
In my experience one of the greatest causes of strain in family relationships is when your ego gets the best of you. I don’t think your ‘ego’ is always bad like many believe, but it can be when you’re too stubborn to admit your shortcomings.
We make mistakes. Why not be willing to admit them? I’ve certainly been particularly hard headed at times and it only prolonged the tension in my relationships.
Your family will run much more smoothly if when a mistake is made it is accepted rather than rejected or blown off. If you make a mistake admit it. If you went overboard let that be known. Don’t pretend that your incapable of making mistakes.
I’ve found that by admitting I’ve made a mistake I’ve gained much more respect from my family then when I profess my perfection.
Express Gratitude
Think about your current family situation. Are you happy with where you’re at? Does your family bring you joy? Or are there areas of your relationships you need to work on? Regardless of your current situation, there’s an abundance to be grateful for.
Far too often we get caught up in what is “wrong” with our family and consequently project negative emotions onto those around us. Instead of focusing on why mom annoys you, or why your sibling is good for nothing, focus on that for which you’re grateful. In each family is at least a dozen nuggets of beauty.
Your family has given you ample opportunity to grow, to love, and to learn even if you aren’t able to see at the time. And while some families do lack love, you have the ability to go find it elsewhere if that is the case.
When you choose to be grateful for the situation you’re in, you open yourself up to a world of possibilities. Don’t forget to love them.
How strong is your family bond? Does it build you up or tear you down? How do you make the most of your family relationships? I’d love to hear in the comments below. And don’t forget to let your love be known.
My concept of family has changed as I’ve gotten older and is no longer defined by blood relationships. I definitely have grown more understanding and grateful for my family members in the last few years. I have a lot of elderly folks in my life, and seeing their challenges, realizing they did the best they knew how, etc., has opened me up to new ways of being with them.
New connections and perspectives are incredibly rewarding
Family is a very important aspect in my life. I thank God every day for having a wonderful family and friends. Many people unfortunately spend all their focus and attention on work and in the process forget about their own family. It is all about creating a balance. Thanks Bud for sharing
Glad you enjoyed it mate.
My sister had troubles establishing boundaries while she lived back at home during and a year after her college years. No matter how loving our folks can be, it’s difficult to have a parental figure frequently telling you what to do when you’re a college graduate.
I try to put down the to-do-list and spend some quality time with my family. Unfortunately, there are hundreds of things I should be doing, but as I can’t do everything, I often make cuts and sacrifices on things that really should never bet cut, such as family time or friend time.
Hey Will thanks for the comment.
You can always make time for what matters. ALWAYS.
Family and a strong family at that is one of the greatest thing that help an individual live a balanced life. Unfortunately most of don’t work on this aspect and then go and see pshyciatrists.
A good article Bud and wonderful advice.
I have also expanded my notion of “family.” My wife and I are getting ready to adopt a young man who is now a 21 year-old Marine. We have adopted a twenty-year old woman who was a student in my high school. We have taken in a Senegalese student, and we have our own biological six. Perhaps I’m compensating for the brother whose cruelty helped expand my notion but I’m comfortable with it. The trick for me will be paying attention to nurturing the grafted parts of the “body.”
Hans! Very impressive. I myself am adopted.
Hey Bud,
Good stuff, I strongly agree. Family is so important, and it is often overlooked when dealing with “self help”
Cheers!
“Blood is not an excuse for emotional or physical abuse.” Amen to this!
“Many of us are fortunate enough to grow up in a loving house hold (I surely was), but there are also those who were not so lucky.” You’re very lucky to have grown up within a family that wasn’t riddled with alcoholism and abuse. When you come from a dysfunctional family, it can wreak havoc on your adult life because you feel like you have no where to turn and you never receive counseling.
“Your family doesn’t need to be defined by blood.” That’s right. Your friends can be your family. Create your own family if your “blood ties” are toxic for you. Send these people lots of love but don’t spend a lot of time around them because they’ll only try to suck you into their misery when all you want to do is transform and get out.
Just emailed you
I was also lucky enough to have a great family. Tolerance is one thing that keeps us on good terms – I think we tend to take out emotions on the people closet to us. I will snap at my family in ways I would never do to other people, but they know I don’t mean it…..and it works both ways!
Best wishes,
Kate.
Thanks for stopping by Kate.:)
Hi Bud,
It’s so important to have strong family bonds, whether it’s the family you are born into or the one you make yourself. I’m a firm believer in having boundaries with my siblings, but I they know that I will be there for them. As I get older, I appreciate more the friends that make up my family because I’ve chosen them (and they’ve chosen me) to have in their lives.
You also bring up a good point about expressing gratitude. No, we can’t always like our family and what they do, but we can be grateful for what they bring into our lives and the memories we hold of them.
Karen
Karen: Gratitude is everything.
“Blood is not an excuse for emotional or physical abuse.”
I agree with this.
There is currently this great award-winning Indian movie called “3 Idiots”, for those of you who still don’t know, go google or youtube it, it’s such a great, touching, and inspiring movie. Some of the best, deep, not to mention entertaining movies I’ve ever watched. Big kudos & highly recommended, even for non-Indians (like me myself)!
What I’m trying to say is that if you watch the movie, it clearly speaks of the struggles that most kids/teenagers/young adults are experiencing, especially with their own parents, over the education/career-choice.
Like Rebecca said above, it’s sometimes just *hard* to really LOVE our parents, even just having a good, nice talks/chats with them, especially once you’re start entering your 20′s, where here in Asian culture, it is still very predominant that the parents -unfortunately- view their kids still as a *property*, or even worse *an investment*, to show off to their neighbors, friends, for the social status/class, and for the kids to finally *pay back* to their parents by going into the ‘determined path’ often set very early in life by their parents (the movie 3 Idiots illustrates this point perfectly!).
I myself, being even a 28-year old guy from Indonesia of Chinese descent, can testify of such ‘hardships’, emotional & mental stress & pains associated with heavy pressures & expectations, often put by our ‘traditional’ parents. And I’ve seen a lot of my friends -especially those who wish to pursue into more creative, artistic “less travelled” path/education/career- who’re really, sadly, having a hard time even just talking & seeing their parents.
Talk is always easier than done.
I just wish that sometimes these parents could understand of how much pains & pressure they’re exerting to their kids, and willing to change their perspective/mindset, and be really more loving & understanding towards their own children, and letting them to be who they really are. How much liberating & free-ing that would be!
Now, after reading Bud’s article, I know that *SOMETHING* needs to be done (or said/talked) to my parents,…but I don’t know from where (or *how*) to start, as sometimes I do think that talking about career-stuff like this is like talking to a -pardon me- hard solid rock/stone that is very very hard to make them want to understand me & my true dreams/goals, and accept me as who I am, not who they want want me to be.
Any tips, or sayings, or advices on that one?
This issue is a real one, as I’m sure many of you (especially from the strict Asian background/family) would wholeheartedly relate & understand so well.
Thanks for the in depth response. I’ll be sure to check out the movie Niki…
Some suggestions if I may:
1. Be honest.
2. Stop blaming.
3. Put your shields down.
Hi Bud,
Great topic. The push and pull of family is an interesting paradox. Often times the ones that are closest to you and love you the most believe they know what is best for YOU. They think they are looking out for your best interest when the tell you to “be reasonable,” “Get real” or “No, don’t do that” etc.
When you decide to create yourself anew, you can be sure howling voices of the past will arise to resist you. This is where it is wise to set boundaries and expect some opposition from those closest to you. My family thought I was crazy when I left my teaching job to become a millionaire. Now people (and family) think I’m crazy for starting my next epoch in life of becoming a best selling book author… “what’s wrong with you? You have it made, you should just retire…” Where is the fun in that? We must allow no inhibiting voices to deter us from experiencing higher expressions of ourselves.
Damn Rob. Congrats on your success.
Even with your success you still need to find a way to forgive them. They obviously do care for you. Problem is epic living involves coming up short.
You’re right about this. That last point is terribly important because people tend to think they don’t have to say thank you or express gratitude to relatives and close friends because they ‘understand’. This is bad practise, and I’m glad you raised the point.
One thing I always tell people is that with your family, quantity of time is the most important thing. When you are at work, it’s all about quality time, when you are with family, it is quantity.
Great point about turning off the phone. If you are going to be with your family or friends, give them full attention. Distractions are a killer in all areas of our lives.
Very good post, thanks.
Thanks Joshua.
I love that you touched on the important subject of family bonds without forgetting about those people whose blood relatives just aren’t an option when it comes to positive relationships. This was wonderfully written…very thoughtful indeed.
that’s an extremely important topic Bud, thanks for reminding us of it
Bud, can I add to this by suggesting that we challenge our expectations of our family.
In our heads we say that our family should back us up, should be pleased for us, should help, should…… the list is endless.
Why should they?
We are all different. Decisions family members make or views they hold may not be “correct” in our eyes but they are perfect for the family member who makes them or holds them.
If I have learnt anything from being a daughter and a mother – the best family members can do is love and accept each other.