If I asked you to name a few things you currently want, it wouldn’t take long for you to fill out an entire page.
“I want a super lean body. I want to run a popular blog. I want to live a drama free life. I want to live a luxurious life style where I can buy gadget X or product Y.” And the list goes on.
Hell, even I have a large list of things I hope to accomplish. But is what you listed what you REALLY want?
Believe it or not, much of what we “want” is simply society’s desires in disguise. And because many of our desires lack authenticity we often don’t have the motivation necessary to take the steps needed to reach our destination.
Do you REALLY know what you want? Or are your goals being created by someone other than yourself? I dare say, many of us (including myself) fall into the latter category. When asked why one wants something our reasons are relatively weak.
Which brings up the question: Are your desires genuine or are you societies bitch?
How do we know if our wants are real or an illusion? You must determine that, by having a conversation with yourself.
Questions To Ask Yourself
Am I Willing To Put The Work In?
This is probably the easiest test to determine if your current goal or desire is worthy. Are you willing to put in the time and effort to make this goal a reality? Will you be willing to sacrifice along the way? If you have to think twice on this one it’s safe to say you may hit some road blocks in the future. Effort is a must.
Why Do I Want This?
This is a question we often skip because we’re scared of the answer. Are you doing community service just to pad your resume? Or do you care about making a difference? Are you helping someone just so you can get something back? Or are you helping just for the sake of helping? It’s perfectly OK to have personal goals but don’t lie about your motives in the process.
How Far Would I Go?
Are you willing to fail and get back up again? Are you willing to push on even when you’re weak? Worthy goals are going to demand you at your best weak mediocre goals won’t. If your heart isn’t in it from day one don’t waste your time chasing an empty cloud. Pursue only the goals and desires that make you or the world a better place.
Am I Trying To Impress Someone?
Think about your current goals then ask yourself are they for you or someone else? I know I’m just as guilty as the next person when it comes to this, but generally when I set a goal just to impress someone I fail miserably. I’m not suggesting you can’t be motivated to help someone or appreciate your success. What I’m suggesting is that your goals should be driven by more than the desire to impress.
“I need to make straight A’s or else my parents will look down on me.”
” I need to be ripped or my friends will call me fat.”
” I need to do well at work or my coworkers will think less of me.”
Drop the need to impress and make goals that are worth your time.
Why We Fail To Reach Our Goals
Often times we fail to reach our goals not because we don’t have what it takes, but rather we don’t care enough about them to start with. We mistakenly think that because we ‘should’ be a certain way that it is a valid and worthy goal, which couldn’t be farther from the truth.
It’s not enough for you to want it for a friend. It’s not enough for you to want your family to be proud. That isn’t to say the satisfaction you receive from friends and family can’t motivate you, but your hunger must be heavier. At the deepest level of your being you have to be willing to see your goal through.
To reach your goals YOU HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT. To reach your goals YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT.
Anything short of that and you’re simply setting yourself up for disappointment. When you TRULY want something you’ll find a way to make it happen. Maybe “making it” involves a few stumbles along the way, it doesn’t matter. What matters is the decision you make in your head.
If you really WANT to be healthier, you’ll find a way to eat healthy and exercise.
If you really WANT a six-pack, you’ll do everything in your power to make it happen.
If you really WANT to make a difference, you’ll cut out the excuses that prevent you from doing so.
If you really WANT to get away from the rat race you will.
If you really WANT to be free you’ll begin to soar with the eagles.
But YOU have to want it.
Stop settling for what society wants of you. Chase what excites you not what holds you back.
The only thing separating you from the success that you desire is the degree to which you want it.
How badly do YOU want it? Are you sure?
Fucking great post! It’s true that we can all make endless lists of things that we “think” we want, because fantasies don’t cost much, just a bit of time spent thinking.
It’s when we get into tradeoffs and realistic cost-benefit analysis that we start narrowing down on what’s real. Do you want badly enough to give up your weekends? To train 8 hours a day, and sleep the rest of the time in recovery? To answer these kind of questions is to understand how important (or not) a goal truly is to you.
I wrote up a goals worksheet a while back that had a sacrifices / tradeoffs section with the following questions.
- what price must I pay – financial, time, emotional, physical, social or any other kind of price – in order to reach my goal?
- is there anything positive or valuable in my life that will need to be given up in order to reach my goal?
http://thirtytwothousanddays.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/goal-worksheet.doc
Setting goals is ecological – it doesn’t take place in a vacuum. If you don’t take the context of the rest of your life into account when you set a major goal, your preexisting thoughts, habits and behaviors will almost certainly dominate.
-jack
Hey Jack. Thanks for the comment man. Love what you had to say, especially ” Fantasies don’t cost much, just a bit of time spent thinking.”
I think far many people “think” they want something but in reality their goals misguided. Obviously, only you can determine what you want but it does take some conscious effort.
Definitely. The potential danger of “fantasies” is that “a bit of time” is fine, but it’s important to take action sooner rather than later. Staying with a fantasy for months and years is so counterproductive.
Once your fantasy hits the real world – i.e. when you start taking real, physical action – you quickly get schooled as to whether this is something you *really* want, and are truly willing to work for. And there’s no shame in finding this out because then you can course correct. Better to learn this sooner rather than later.
Great article. It’s true so many people do things because their expected to or their families want them to. It can’t make for good workers. People can’t devote themselves to something they don’t believe in no matter how many people want it for them.
Passion is all you need.
This reminds of a book I read recently called “Re:LIFE & The Myth of Motivation” which discusses the idea of looking at things as either a Gap or having a Life-based approach. I put a link to a relevant page on the author’s site, thinking it may be of interest.
This also reminds of the question, “What would you do if you couldn’t fail?” that has similar parallels in terms of answers.
Hey Bud,
Definitely agree – it isn’t about what other people say, or what other people think – it’s all about our internal dreams and desires.
If you don’t want it badly enough, and are only doing it to impress others or please others, at some point you’re going to hit a wall where you’ll give up – because it isn’t worth the extra effort to you deep inside to get past that wall.
On the other hand, when we really want it and desire it enough, and are willing to put in the effort to get it, those walls can never stop us
As always Sid thanks for the comment.
Even if you REALLY want something that doesn’t mean there won’t be roadblocks. But the ONLY way you can overcome those if you have that intense desire to do so. As with all things, our desires do change with time so it’s important to stay open and flexible while keeping your sight on the road which ever path you choose.
I love this post, and the comments so far.
Seeing Liz & Sid’s comments above, suddenly it all seems connected now of why there are SO many people whom we’ll find doing ‘half-ass’ efforts in their jobs, and so many errors/mistakes, lazy to fix the errors, or their wrong behaviors in the job, etc etc.
There’s a quite sad statistic that I’ve read about a year ago from UK, which stated that 80% of people in UK are in “job misfits”, meaning they feel that they’re at the wrong job, or even dislike/hate their jobs, but just seem helpless about it!
You see Bud, to be honest, what I often really wonder is this:
why/how come so many people can feel *that* helpless about their situations?
why so many ‘normal’ people seem to easily said that “this is just how Reality IS! there’s NO other way!” ?
why most people seemingly just take the easiest way out, that is: to blame their circumstances, their financial conditions, their economy, and the WORST is, to drag their entire family, or loved ones, into a state of apathy, often in the name of being “realistic” ??
I mean, do you think “Reality” is often THAT hard??….or frankly speaking, these people are just LAZY, not putting 100% efforts ?
or in your terms, they often don’t want things BADLY enough, to strive & struggle for what they believe??
And finally, is it just me Bud, or do you often feel that there seems to be only a FEW people who really *KNOW* what they want to do in Life? in other words Bud, I want to ask: do you feel that there are still only a FEW people (in your surrounding, for example) that are PASSIONATE type of people, that also know what’s their passion, and constantly chase for it?
Are we (who blogs here) seems to be the ‘minority’ here?
Most, or many people are, unfortunately, just clueless, or don’t know what’s their passion, or what they really believe badly?
Love to know your take on this one, Bud!
thanks.
Hey Niki! Half ass syndrome is like the plague. Avoid it with all costs. Recently I’ve been struggling with giving it my all, but I’ve found that it involves mostly stuff I could care less about.
The reason most people feel they are stuck is because they choose to view reality from an disempowering perspective. Switch lenses and life is instantly upgraded. Obviously I’m not suggesting you run from reality. There IS PAIN. There is SUFFERING. But far too often we extend that pain when it’s not really needed.
To be honest, I think a lot of people know what they want to do, yet they simply lack the courage to pursue it. Everyone is passionate about something.
Being clueless is part of growing.
So what happens if you never REALLY want something, yes you have desires and wants but never things that you are totally committed to? The reason I ask is I recon most people fall into that category.
And for them (or rather us, as I include myself) we can still set and achieve goals. But we are prepared to compromise and adjust along our journey as necessary, and not beat ourselves up if this happens.
Hey David good question. And to be honest I failed to adress that in this post so thanks for bringing that up.
By no means am I saying you HAVE to WANT something, but I think many people do. Can you honestly say you don’t REALLY want something?
Wanting something badly doesn’t always mean you’re going to get it, but in my experience that’s what has the highest probability.
Wanting something badly doesn’t mean it has to completely take over your life or that you must remain inflexible.
Hi Bud.
This article has a fitting message. It is worth sending to folks who make an excuse or complain about something. It quickly cancels out any further complaints or excuses. When you actually want something, you get it somehow. The world isn’t that resistive, but we sometimes assume it is when it doesn’t just give us what we want without us really going for it. A watermelon won’t be in our refrigerator until we go purchase it.
We misrepresent how much we want certain things.
Haha! Love it! ” A watermelon won’t be in our refrigerator until we purchase it. “
Hey Bud!
Sometimes I think that many people really want something, yet limiting beliefs and self sabotaging thoughts hold them back from ever going for what they want. However, they really want it badly.
I think there needs to be some sort of catalyst, some event of experience that drives them into action. Maybe a near death experience or losing something you really care about.It can even be as small as reading a book or watching a video.
I hope it makes sense and you get what I’m trying to say
Cheers man, enjoy the weekend!
Agree with you there man. As you probably know the day I saw my best friend die was one such a event for me. Obviously there have been other events in my life that have had an impact on me but that one was a huge one.
It only takes a moment to “click.”
How far would I go? – That’s the crux of the matter, as we will always say “whatever it takes” until times get tough, then we rationalize why we can’t quite go the distance. The good news is, when we finally do get past this mental roadblock, and do the work that is necessary, the rewards will begin to come in as desired!
Hey Mark! It’s been a while! I hope your world is rocking man!
Great post! How far would I go? I will go far, but what if it’s not in the cards for me? Maybe there is something better for me that I can’t see because I’m consumed with what I think I desire. On the flip side, I may want something so bad that I actually push it away from me because I’m too attached to the outcome. I’m learning to let go and let God. That which is mine cannot be taken away from me. And, I may be ready for whatever it is I desire, but the people who are supposed to help me may not be ready. Timing is everything. I may want something on MY timetable, but it’s not on schedule with the universe’s schedule.
If it’s not in the cards for you, it’s perfectly OK to change directions. But you only really know if its right for you if you give it your all.
Letting go is a powerful tool for change and does have its place.
Super post,
Really enjoyed this and it’s coming up in a lot of my favourite blogs at the moment.
One which I’ve read which is a great practical way to find out the things that matter to you, is finding out what your core values are. There’s a great way of doing this over at Tim Brownson’s blog
http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/what-are-my-values/
I’m having along hard look at the projects I want to be involved in, the ones that consume my thoughts most of the day (in a good excitable way, not in a stressy “oh my God where’s that duvet to hide under” way.).
Am quite new to this blog but thoroughly enjoying it so far.
Hey Amy! Yeah! Values are super important. Knowing why you do something is essential.
I appreciate your comment.
Bud,
Great post! We cannot get everything that we want, but we are able to get anythign that we REALLY want!
All the best!
Boris
Heyo Bud!
Glorious, glorious, glorious post, my man.
I know I’ve been inconsistent as hell in reaching my goals, partly because I haven’t wanted them enough. Or, rather, there haven’t been enough hours in my day to spend attacking my goals. We’re all human and get fatigued and bogged down at some point – we’re not goal attacking machines. We need to retain some of our humanity when it comes to goal-setting, and this is where I think the WHYS of our goals come in handy. If we know why we’re going after something, we can use it as extra motivation and keep it from burning us out. The cool thing is, if we sit down and ponder why we’re doing something, our degree of resistance lets us know if the goal is even worth pursuing at all… If I spend any more than a minute thinking about why I should go after a goal, I scrap it immediately. It should be a snap decision, from the gut, from instinct.
Hey Dude. Big things in the future for you I know.
Don’t be afraid to throw me an email man. I can relate to a lot of what you’re experiencing right now.
Bud, Bud, Bud!!!
You’ve done it again! For the past few months, especially week(s)/ days I have been wrestling with indecision. Its almost like I’ve been frozen or paralyzed about making a few really important decisions. I keep thinking: “Is this the right decision?”
Now, thanks to your latest post, it gives me great insight into what I must do. So thank you very much!!
I am now asking myself, is this what I really want? Or am I just doing what is easiest and most convenient right now?!
And in the long run, am I settling? I think everything happens for a reason. When you need it, lights or signs will kindly point you in the right direction. Whatever force drives the universe has a way of guiding you along.
“Making decisions isn’t always easy, but procrastinating on making a decision is worse than making a wrong decision.”
-Karol Gajda
That is a quote from another blog that I follow. And I’ve been procrastinating for a long time.
And a friend of mine told me this only a few days ago.
“Be excited you have options! You can’t go wrong! The decision only affects you: make a choice. Worst case scenario, you don’t like it. Then you make a change. Just always opt to choose happiness!”
Thanks again Bud, I tend to be a silent subscriber of blogs and don’t always offer my thanks and appreciation when they are due, so keep up the good work! It means a great deal that you are providing me with such great value.
Glad I could help man.
David Allen remarks a funny paradox: the more sensitive and intelligent a person is, the bigger her risk of falling into perfection paralysis, because it is easier for her to visualize all the obstacles, what might go wrong, other options to explore… The problem is, if you do not make any decision, others will do for you; all those social forces pushing and pulling us from everywhere, every day. So I also agree: a bad decision is often better than none. Thanks for the post.
Nacho,
Great point, and it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week. (George S. Patton)
Intelligent people are able to juggle so many “on the one hand” / “on the other hand” cases in their heads that they can find it hard to pull the trigger.
-jack
and I admit that I’ve fallen into this “perfection paralysis” too many times.
You are perfectly right, these days I even see how some of those “normal, ordinary, average” people yet the dedicated ones, have FAR gained more success than me, who constantly only running in the same place without moving, because of my perfectionist nature, running “what ifs” scenario after scenario until I *thought* I could eventually find a perfection.
Little that I know/realize that NOTHING is ever perfect,
no matter how “perfect” the scenarios is run a hundred times in our head, the REALITY will always be different, can’t be 100% according to our heads.
That’s why I also agree with what Jack said “A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.”
You’ll basically ‘kill’ yourself if you constantly waiting & waiting ’till things got 100% PERFECT. ‘cuz there’s no such thing.
This is such an ‘epiphany’ moment for me.
Thank you for making me realize this, guys!
What a great article & community we have here!
Spot on, Bud!
To take it a bit further, you might consider how you can help yourself want something more…
Saying “You REALLY have to WANT it!” is nice, but there are actually some pretty cool practical things you can do to increase your motivation.
A lot of it comes down to NLP visualization. Basically imagining how great it will be when you achieve that goal (feeling all the great emotions and feelings that come with it). And then imagining what your life will be like if you keep living exactly the same way as before, and how crap you would feel about that. Making the images and sounds really vivid so you feel the emotions.
Logic helps you decide what’s good for you. Emotions motivate you.
Thought I’d share that
Nice post! I find it hard dealing with people who are following either societies goals or someone else’s. If you’ve not got your own set of goals your working towards, you’ll spend your life working towards someone else’s.
I agree, Vlad. I’m currently working a lot on my visualization techniques. I’m more of a verbal person, so I find hard to focus on images of how would success be, etc…
That’s something I keep wondering about. I’m primarily a visual person, so visualization works great for me… but what about auditory (or kinesthetic) people?
How would visualization work for you? Is it more along the lines of imagining things you would be saying to yourself, that people would say to you, the things you would hear?
I’m really interested in how different people “visualize” best.
I intend to spend a lot of time during the upcoming holidays doing some ‘photoshopping’: creating goal collages, maybe “treasure maps”… I know the technique is not precisely a novelty, but I have never tried it and am looking forward to it. I’ll tell you how it goes
Heck, I want to build a one man empire from my blog, and not only do I really want it – I have seen in my delusions. I’m totally obsessed with my idea, and I’m spending every minute of my wake time on thinking about it.
I believe that you have to be a loony skyrider in order to reach your goals, but that shouldN’t be a problem
Thinking? Or doing?
Very good post! I think this is something we should all revisit often to help us reassess why we are doing the things we are doing. I know there are probably too many things I do because of what others think. Time to start figuring out what I really want.
Another auspicious article of choice. And yes, I do mostly agree on whether what we wants instead of what people wants from you.
Great post. I have been practicing what this article is preaching since December 26, 2008. At that time, I weighed 296lbs. Today I am 200lbs and looking/feeling better than ever. Mind you I have been trying to lose weight since 2003. It was until I got fed up with my body and made the change. I told myself that nothing was going to stop me. I WANTED IT BADLY. I wanted it so badly that my relationship with my ex suffered. She was overweight as well and gave up on weightloss journey. There were a number of things going on in our relationship, but once it was over, my drive to succeed increased. Here I am today single, with a better grasp on life and healthier. Losing that relationship was a sacrifice, but it was for the best.
Congrats man.
I actually want what I want so badly that I would give limbs for it. Its an amazing journey that I’m on and you should all follow your own personal one inside. It won’t disappoint.