The ‘Just Be Yourself’ Cliche

Glen / 22 Comments / March 16th, 2009 / Subscribe via RSS

The saying “just be yourself” has to be one of the most popular phrases used today. Whether someone is going for a job interview, making a public speech, going on a blind date or anytime they are likely to worry about how people perceive them, we often say the same thing.

But what exactly does it mean? Does it mean the shy person should stay shy for their job interview? Does it mean we should be content with our current position and not look to grow? Or does it mean we should just act how we feel? These are all questions I hope to answer in this post.

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What Just Be Yourself Actually Means

If you tell someone who is shy to be themselves before going for an interview, you obviously aren’t telling them to act shy and nervous.

If you tell a loud-mouthed, arrogant teen to be themselves in front of an audience in a public speaking contest, you obviously aren’t telling them to be obnoxious and use foul language.

Of course, we all know this, but the common use of the phrase causes confusion in many people. Tens of thousands of people every month look for clarification of the saying via the major search engines, and its true meaning is an active discussion topic on many forums I frequent.

Just be yourself is actually a great statement if we look at where it is coming from. It isn’t saying show off, be shy, try to impress or get people to like you. No, it’s saying be real, be authentic and let the true you shine through. I’m glad that such a commonly used phrase holds a great message.

So, when someone says “just be yourself”, what they really mean is:

• Don’t change to impress people
• Act authentically and be true to yourself
• Realise you are not the beliefs of others (not good enough, too fat, too short, too dumb etc)
• Have core values and stick to them
• Don’t identify with your possessions or achievements (i.e. you might have a flash car but it doesn’t make you a flash person)

As ironic as it may seem, just being yourself is actually quite difficult. The reason for this is that we’ve spent so long and tried so hard to be ‘other people’ throughout our lives. For example, we often try to live up to the standards of others, keep people happy, get people to like us and other often inauthentic actions.

There are times when doing these things is necessary, such as getting a child to stop crying, getting a loan from a bank manager or comforting someone who is putting their lives at risk. It is important however that you see these times as playing a role and not as defining characteristics on who you are.

Actually Being Yourself

To come from a place of acting to impress others and being inauthentic, and moving to a place of really being yourself, can be quite challenging. However, there’s actually quite a sense of ‘bliss’ once you stop looking to find yourself through the feedback from others, and stop looking for approval or validation.

I think some of the key aspects to actually being yourself and living more authentically are:

• Being completely comfortable with your current situation – it might not be ideal, but it is what it is right now. Practice accepting the current moment instead of resisting it
• Not looking to find yourself – whether it is through your possessions, feedback from others or your social status, stop looking to be defined by these things
• Putting life into perspective – does it really matter how people view you? Would it really matter if you didn’t get the job? For all we know, we only get one chance at life; don’t spend your time sweating the small stuff
• Don’t put others on a pedestal – Nobody is better or worse than you are, nobody has more or less value to offer than you do. Don’t put others on a pedestal unless you’re going to put yourself and everyone else on one too

Now we have this covered, I think it’s important to look at the dilemma of being yourself vs personal growth, and which path you should take, if any.

Being Yourself vs Personal Growth

“If I’m just being myself then I shouldn’t look to grow because that will change who I am”

This is a common misconception and completely untrue. It only applies when you try to find or define who you are through your achievements, ambitions and external status.

Take a look at the example I gave in the post, Know Who You Are, based on John’s situation:

John has just came into some money at the young age of 21. He’s bought himself a brand new Bentley and now sees himself as a flash, young, rich guy with the world as his oyster. A week later, he writes off his Bentley in a crash and gambles away all his money due to depression caused by the accident. He’s left upset, distraught and back in the same financial situation he was in previously.

Did he ever change, or did only his situation change?

John didn’t change, his situation did and the things he identified with did. Whatever you achieve through personal development won’t change who you are. It might change things externally such as your finances, or internally such as your happiness, but not who you are on a core level.

In the last year or so I’ve became much more productive, allowing me to grow more traffic to my websites and increasing my income. I now have habits that allow me to get things done quicker, but they don’t change who I am and neither do my increased finances.

I think someone should always look to grow, as long as they aren’t trying to find fulfilment or happiness through an end result.

Ideally, I would like to increase my income to a point where I can travel the world and not worry about finances, I’m not there yet, but I’m still completely happy and grateful for my current situation.

I actually think the main message of most personal development should first and foremost be one of personal diminishment. Removing all the limiting beliefs you have of yourself, realising you are not the judgements of others and understanding that you can achieve some amazing things through your time on earth.

Just like telling the truth can make life a whole lot easier, really being yourself can make life a lot more peaceful and much more of an adventure, rather than stressful and a struggle.