Learning To Love Yourself
Bud / 
28 Comments / 
July 30th, 2010 / 
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Over the last few months I’ve spent a fair amount of time reflecting on the various relationships that have shaped who I am today. I’m immensely grateful for every single one, because I’d be walking an entirely different path were it not for them.
In reflecting on my most intimate relationships, that is my closest family and friends, I’ve been reminded how important our relationships are in our everyday life. And though our social interactions affect our lives tremendously, we often neglect arguably the most important relationship of all: The one with ourselves.
Having been a chronic people-pleaser for much of my life, I know what it’s like to always feel behind. I know what it’s like to always go out of your way to make a particular relationship work. I know what what it’s like to feel empty and alone.
Yet in my admittedly young life, I’ve found that our desire to people please often comes from our insecurity within. Many know this at a conscious level, yet many continue to change themselves instead of learning to love themselves unconditionally.
By loving yourself with every ounce of being you alter your reality to a place of unconditional compassion. And though knowing that you create the world you live in is quite often a scary thought, it can be used for the greater good.
Obviously, your thinking alone can’t alter the world in anyway you please. There are an abundance of other factors that come into play when considering your current reality, ones that you do not control. That being said however, your happiness and ultimate satisfaction in life directly correlates to how much love you are able, and willing, to give yourself.
Learning To Love Yourself
It would be nice to live in a world where loving ourselves was as common as breathing. However unfortunately that’s not the case. Growing up, we face and meet a lot of resistance to this seemingly intelligent idea. And as years pass we forget that we deserve not only love from those around us, but our love as well.
I’ve struggled recently with accepting that I’m OK just the way I am, and unfortunately that has reflected in my current reality. Yet as I’ve spent the last few weeks working on loving myself I can slowly but surely see that love coming back to me in various ways often through other relationships.
Loving yourself fully may feel a bit uncomfortable at first depending on your past, but regardless of where you’ve been it is possible. I spent much of my early teen years resenting myself because I felt inadequate. I’m sure you can recall a similar time in your life in which you’ve felt the same. However as I began loving myself my life slowly but transformed.
By making the time and effort to love yourself, all faults included, your reality will soon begin to reflect that love. Instead of a life filled with pessimism, love will soon flow to almost effortlessly. When you realize that each interaction you have is essentially a part of you, it makes even more sense to learn to love yourself unconditionally and with every ounce of love you have.
Loving yourself fully obviously won’t solve all of life’s ills, but it will at least make each breathe you take one of mystical beauty.
Tuning In
Whenever life gets a bit hectic, take a moment to notice your current relationship with yourself. Be selfish with your love with the expectation your love is going to be a gift to others. Are you treating yourself with respect? Are you expecting far too much from yourself? Are you giving yourself enough rest?
Most external problems are nothing but a simple fix on the inside. The mirror is the world’s greatest teacher.
Trying to give love when there is none to give is like trying to drive a car with no gas. You may be able to turn the car on, but in the end you won’t get anywhere. Luckily, you can create gas at will, and at no cost, by accepting the person you’ve turned out to be. Only by learning to love yourself can you begin sharing the wealth and abundance that you’re capable of giving.
As you strengthen your relationship with yourself and grow deeper in love with the person you are, watch as the world begins to come alive.
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Hi Bud,
Very introspective. Yes, a little selfishness goes a long way. In fact Mother Theresa was very “selfish.” Why? Because she helped all those people because it made her feel GREAT first and foremost. Whenever we express ourselves authentically it is a contribution the world at large. Great artists, writers, musicians etc. are “selfish” because their only concern is expressing their passion. In doing so they lift humanity and inspire countless others. You better believe they love themselves when they are creating.
Rob, I don’t believe Blessed Mother Teresa was motivated to live in absolute depravity and take care of the sick, clothe the naked, feed the starving, and console the dying simply because she selfishly enjoyed that “great feeling.” Feelings are often short-lived and fleeting. On the contrary, as we now know from her memoirs, she experienced quite a “dark night of the soul” and could not “feel” God’s love for the majority of the time she was active in missionary work. She didn’t let her feelings hinder her mission, though, and she certainly wasn’t motivated by them.
She was motivated by a much deeper love than that which she had for herself alone. She was moved to be Christ to the poorest of the poor in Calcutta because of His love for us and what He did for us on the cross. She would often repeat the words, “I thirst” and these words became the hallmark of her mission because she understood that Jesus thirsts for our love so that we may come to thirst for His Life-Giving waters.
One of my biggest revelations in my little “quest” for self-fulfillment was that the love and adoration I was always looking for in other people was always, really, the love I needed from myself.
Put it this way: ask most people who are really desperate for a significant other to describe their ‘perfect’ significant other, and they’ll give you a version of themselves that happens to be of the opposite sex. They want the validation of themselves, rather than strictly from the outside.
The problem that so many people encounter in self-love is that it’s not logical. As in, you can’t start hating yourself, even if you commit the most egregious of errors. Your love has to be unconditional, otherwise it’s not love.
I found that I went through a phase of totally accepting myself, which led to me getting lazy, to eventually phasing goals, effort, and other forms of striving back into my life. The frame had changed, though: instead of doing those things TO like myself, I did them BECAUSE I liked myself, and I felt entitled to doing things well.
I believe that it is important to love yourself. I also believe that when you love yourself, you are also opening yourself to loving all humanity. When we strip away our wants and cravings and refuse to live in someone else’s trance, we begin to realize the spiritual core that we all have in common. This journey starts with being able to answer: “Who am I and why am I here?” We can then begin a loving relationship with ourselves and all others who share our essence.
“Most external problems are nothing but a simple fix on the inside. The mirror is the world’s greatest teacher.”– Absolutely, and when you truly love yourself, you will find “yourself” in every person and thing you see.
Thanks for the reminder and this post. I just moved back to Ohio (arrived 12:20 am Saturday, July 31) and have been beating myself about why my move to Arizona didn’t go as planned. What did I do wrong? What happened? My mom let me move back home, and I’m totally grateful for this, but I feel like a failure. I have three degrees and a graphic design certification and consider myself to be an intelligent person. I can’t figure out why I couldn’t find full-time employment in Arizona. I was out there for almost three years. My sister tells me I’m not a failure and at least I took a risk. Consciously I know this but deep down, I still have more work to do.
Well done on such an inspirational post. I don’t have self-confidence problems, but I do have to work at accepting what life has thrown my way. Sometimes I wonder why things take so long to happen to/for me.
I realise that negative things shape your life and having to wait for what you want produces patience.
I like who I am, so all the bad things in my life must have shaped me into this person.
I have a hard time accepting this. I have to remind myself to do so.
Thanks for your post.
It is easy to be our own worst critics. I know I’m far from perfect and this is essential for me to keep focused on growth and development. I know there’s always room for improvement, but have accepted this as an exciting part of existence. Sometimes we have to take it easy on ourselves and let things take there course. Thanks for the inspiring post!
Hey Rob.
Yeah I’ve been very introspective lately and so why not share my thoughts?
Obviously, being selfish can turn out to be a bad thing, but at the same time far too many people put themselves on a pedestal and forget to treat themselves with the respect and love the deserve.
By loving yourself you love the world.
Brett. Beautiful man. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Seeking love outside yourself is a worthy pursuit. You just can’t forget it STARTS within.
Hey Hans. Great point. You don’t even have to know the answer to that question before you can love yourself. At the end of the day all that matters is that you know how amazing you really are.
Hey Joe. Thanks for the comment. Funny we are so hard on ourselves. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been super upset about something no one even noticed. It’s been proven in studies as well. Most people are far too worried about themselves.
Thanks for stopping bye dude.
Hey, Bud!
Great post. I’ve copied and saved parts of it that made me particularly uncomfortable to remind me of the work I need to do on myself, on the inside.
One tip for you: having been writing about self-help for a long time now, I’ve learned that the word “selfish” can trigger many negative reactions, such as shame and guilt, especially for those who grew up in religious surroundings. I’ve learned to substitute the word “self-focused” or use the phrase “changing to an inner focus” to avoid readers having such a reaction.
Great work, though. I really enjoy reading your posts because I almost always walk away with something I need.
Annie
@annie: Thanks for the tip.
Bud, you got it again! Loving starts at our own door, looking in our own mirror and feeling that good stuff inside. What you can’t feel for yourself you will artifcially live in another or chase in life. The journey to the heart starts at our own heart. Love is a journey into the self before any romance with anyone else. Fab sentiments; you write spot on stuff my friend.
Dude… Totally.
Our relationship with ourselves is BY FAR the most important!
You gots to think you’re the bollocks before anyone else will.
I spent a lot of years trying to escape from my father’s “you’re a bad person” vibes.
As soon as I did – the world seriously started becoming my Oyster. Plus, it’s a whole lot more enjoyable to like yourself too!
The rather shocking news is that we’re ALL awesome as we are. You too Buddy boy
Good luck on your journey and thank you for sharing.
I found that loving myself was much easier once I stopped worring about other people’s business….and the big one was what they thought of me.
What they think of me is their business, not mine. All I have to worry about is what I think of me.
You ROCK!
Katie
Bud my man. Whats happening? I too had this problem, but over it years ago. Even thought I’m 22, I’m happy to have gotten over it. All I did was create some affirmations and audio tapes for myself. With a bit of enthusiasm, 3 months later, I think I’m having an affair with myself.
It can work for you or anyone else who wanted to love thy self as great philosophers said. It starts with you.
Imagine, you had a friend who always walked around with a bag of manure everywhere he or she went. Just everywhere they went, you can smell this bag. And you ask him or her, Why are you carrying that bag. They don’t know, but they keep carrying it around with them
This is what you do, when you say “I hate myself” rather than “I love my self.” Think about that next time you decide to degrade the beauty of your spiritual essence each and everyday.
Peace.
hey bud thanks for the beautiful post… it’s especially timely for me right now actually. the past few weeks has been a truly in-depth journey into loving my self, shadows and all. i find it funny observing how my world appears to show up to support me. like this post for instance lol. it says a lot about the universe being our mirror, hey?
what’s your method or path for loving yourself?
long ago i used to be a people pleaser too, i didn’t know how destructive that was until its too late, i am really glad i realized that and became someone else
Hi Bud,
Loving yourself is an immensely important aspect of getting the most out of life. It really is the foundation on which you build.
That being said, I think we need to think of a better phrase than “love yourself”. Just like the term “Self help” it has all the wrong connotations associated with it.
Ideas?
- Jonny
Very nice post Bud, we always have to learn to love ourselves and do what we like to do. If we don’t love ourselves, then who will? Thanks for sharing my friend.
Hey Jonny.
Good point there. While it does have negative connotations, often associated with selfishness, is there really something wrong with loving yourself? You got me thinking.
Lol, excellent mate.
How does someone generate self love having committed an awful crime or crimes against others for which they are truly culpable? How can subsequent remorse help them when the burden of culpability is squarely acknowledged by them, and for which there is no forgiveness from any quarter? Can someone hold out even just a candle of hope to either the perpetrator and/or the victim in these situations. Loving yourself seems impossible in these circumstances.
Hey I’ve been looking all over for this WordPress theme can you tell me where to buy it?
I don’t know where to buy it but it’s called, magon wood, if that helps.
Your post remembered me this beautiful piece — http://www.scribd.com/doc/25076602/Charlie-Chaplin-As-I-Began-to-Love-Myself.