Are you happy with your current social circle? Or do you struggle to make new friends? Do you feel lonely? Or are you surrounded with company and love?
I’ll be the first to admit, making new friends can be quite the challenge. For much of my life I struggled with making new friends. It wasn’t until my family was transferred from Texas to China that I finally discovered how to create the connections I’ve always dreamed of. It takes hard work but you can turn your social life around.
One study suggests that throughout a lifetime you will have close to 400 friends with nearly 40 at every given time. Making the ability to make new friends a must. Having moved around the world I’d like share some tips that have helped me make new friends.
Just Say Hello
One of the quickest ways to make new friends is to say hello. Say hi to that stranger in the park. Ask the person in line how her day has been. Simply saying hello is conversation starter and may lead to further connection. While traveling back from Chicago recently, I said hello to a Japanese guy sitting next to me and we ended having a three hour conversation about world travel. You never know where a little hello may lead you.
Ask About Them
When you meet someone new you are often tempted to talk about yourself. DON’T. Instead ask questions about the person you just met. Obviously it’s important not to interrogate but feel free to ask simple questions that may spark further conversation. It’s surprising at how much people enjoy talking about themselves. Ask away!
Listen
Everybody likes a person who can listen. I don’t mean someone who listens half way, I mean someone who really listens. Listening is one of the most underrated skills in my opinion, because far too many people underestimate the importance of it. Sit back and listen, and offer your say when you see an appropriate opening.
Show Up
Those who struggle making new friends are usually the one’s who stay home and complain about their lack of a social life. Creating a social circle in which you enjoy takes work. It’s not just going to show up on your doorstep. Making new friends takes effort. Go to a public park. Take a trip to the movies. Go out with your current friends. The more you show up, the better chances you have of making new friends simple as that.
Network Online
In this day and age it’s very easy to make strong connections online. A few years ago, making friends online wasn’t seen as positively as it is today, so take advantage of the tools you have. Whether it be by Twitter, Facebook, or Foursqaure, there’s an abundance of social media sites that can help you make new friends. Once you establish an online relationship it’s easy to take it to the real world by meeting up at a public place or connecting further on the phone.
Do Remarkable Work
It’s no secret that those who do remarkable work are the ones with the greatest social circle. This isn’t to say you have to be a billionaire to make good friends, but if you do amazing things people are eventually going to notice. When you work your but off day in and day out it’s only a matter of time before a social circle comes to support you. By sharing your gifts with the world you open yourself up to many potential relationships that will only enhance the work you do.
Give Value
As with doing remarkable work, it’s important that you give value to those you come in contact with. No one enjoys someone who only mooches off of them. Make sure you go into any potential relationship with the idea that you’re there to benefit off of each-other, rather than living on a one way street. Offer your hand of support and be there whenever needed.
Drink Coffee
I admit a bit misleading. You don’t actually have to drink coffee instead I’m talking about going to a coffee shop. Most coffee shops tend to be a place of lively energy which has many people who are looking to connect. Sometimes I’ll go to a coffee shop and just sit there having small talk with whoever looks willing. I’ve met a handful of people from opening up over a small cup of coffee and I know you can too.
Don’t Complain
One of the quickest ways to NOT make friends is to complain. It’s safe to say that complaining is a huge turn off for many, yet so many continue to do it on a regular basis. Instead of complaining focus on the positives and you’ll be surprised at how more attractive you become. Would you want to be friends with someone who complains 24/7? I’d bet against it.
Join A Club
Joining a club is an easy, yet powerful way to meet people who share similar interests. Joining a club puts you in a perfect situation to make new friends in an environment that isn’t overwhelming. Enjoy doing yoga? Find a studio that you can go two twice a week? Want to become a better public speaker? Join Toastmasters in an area near you. Don’t overlook the possibilities of joining a club for an interest you enjoy.
Smile
If you walk around with your head down you’re making it very difficult for new connections to come your way. Instead make a habit to walk with your head high and a smile where ever you go. I happen to smile quite often and as a result many people return the favor. It’s very rewarding to know that you put a smile on someone’s face. A smile says you’re friendly and who doesn’t like that?
Drop Your Shield
Open up. Choose to connect at a deep and meaningful level. Leave the fluff at home. Don’t pretend you’re someone you’re not. The fact that you’re human makes you imperfect and that’s something to embrace. Some of the deepest relationships I’ve had came after I revealed who I really was. It may be scary to open up fully but your relationships will be rewarded.
Believe You’re Worthy
One of the biggest road blocks for creating great relationships is the false belief that you’re not worthy to have them. I’m here to tell you that you are. Simply believing you’re worthy and capable of the relationships you deserve invites them to form. More often than not, you get out of life what you expect. Go into each relationship with the belief that you benefit the other person and vice versa. Your relationships will change dramatically.
While some of these are simple don’t underestimate the power they posses. I hope you can use them to take your current relationships to the next level and hopefully make a few great friends along the way. After all everyone could use an extra friend. 
Awesome Bud!
The thing I do is indeed listen to what they have to tell about theirself. That, with a big smile on my face and sincere interested eyes on them will do the trick most of the time!
Saying hello is (according to me) the hardest step to take when somebody is not that social gifted. That first hello is way, way out of their comfort zone and that is why you should train that if that is a problem for you. Just practise, start saying hello, just dare. Hard? Definitly. Fun? Even more definitly.
Hi, whoever did that study stating that a person will have about 40 friends at any one time was on drugs! An insurance study from several years ago stated that most people have maximum 1-2 friends at any one time in life. Very unusual is when a person has a bunch of people who are really friends.
Logic tells us that 1-2 friends is enough as it takes a lot of commitment to service a friendship.
The rest of your post is very true about how to make friends.Most people who complain about not having a social life tend to avoid all these simple actions that lead to friendships. Saying “good morning” with a smile and being in places where the likelihood of contact is higher will lead to developing friendships.
Thanks again for the post, Sean
This is great post. I think so many people think of their friends as a static group. They don’t want or need new friends because they already know who they like and who they want to spend time with. This is great as long as things stay the way they are but how often does that happen? I know so many people who watched their friends get married and have children and just became more and more depressed about their own lives. I took it as permission to do all the things I wanted try. I learned photography, sailing, yoga and surfing and I made so many new friends that way. I also made huge improvements ot my confidence and communication skills. Put yourself out there and you’ll never regret it!
Ohh yeah smiling for sure will get you places. This is the top thing people want to see. For looking for a girlfriend, or looking for a new buddy.
This is a great post. Especially for sales people and network marketers. In a time of all of our digital distractions, making and keeping relationships that are deep and meaningful is becoming more and more rare. I was just thinking about how, in the summers I used to spend time on my grandparents ranch. In the evening when the work was done, we would sit under a big shade tree and just talk… for hours. Any time anyone would walk, ride or walk down the street in front of their property, they would wave and ask them to come “visit.” Sometimes the passers by would be neighbors. And sometimes they would be strangers. They had mastered the art of making friends and being a friend. Life was simple back then. And better I’m afraid.
Nice post Bud! I think nothing can beat saying hello and smiling. They just have power. Also, one of the best ways to make friends is to focus on the similaraties. Thanks for sharing
Great advice! Smiling and being positive are great way to attract people. Don’t settle for second best. Make sure you actually want to be around the people you meet. If you’re looking for specific qualities in people, ask yourself, “Do I possess these?”
Oops! I meant “great ways” to attract people.
Hey Bud, great tips! Very thorough post with some great advice. This is of great benefit to me, and I’m sure many others.
Coffee is definitely an ice breaker. You want to be able to make small talk over anything. Coffee is great, but this can go anywhere. I have pick up several girl by commenting on there tattoo or lip rings.This trick has gotten me laid many times. Think about what it can do for your communication skills.
Hi Bud,
I find that fear is the one that is holding us back from making new friends. We tend to think too much about how others look at us and think about inconsequential stuff. Overcoming our fear is the first step to making new friends.
Regards,
Vincent
Hey, Bud!
My best GF and I were just talking about this earlier! She and I both have issues of being introverted, have issues about our own self worth, and (having codependent tendencies) have been badly burned in the past and fear it will happen again. We struggle with trust, but that’s about trusting ourselves, not others.
Your post is great. The only thing I’d add is to move beyond social media and do precisely THIS–read Blogs of interest and comment honestly. If you leave a means for others to reach you (i.e., Twitter UserName, full name as used in Facebook, etc.), you may be surprised one day to be contacted because of something you shared. ;D
Namasté
Annie
Thanks Stefan!
Yeah. We often underestimate the power of a simple hello.
Hey Sean! Thanks for stopping by man. As far as the40 friends thing, I took it as meaning knowing about 40 people whom you could have a conversation longer than a simple hello with. From my personal experience that makes sense for me. Not sure about the study you’re referring to but IMO that seems a bit low, but that’s not the point.
I make it a habit to interact with as many people as I can, making the world a better place in the process. Thanks again man.
Hey Alex! Interestingly enough in the Russian culture smiling too much is actually looked down upon. I experienced this first hand when I visited St. Petersburg Russia. Obviously that doesn’t make the Russian culture bad, but it’s simply interesting the various customs of the world.
Finding a new girlfriend is always nice
Thanks for stopping by!
@Chris! Thanks man!
I’m actually hoping to start up a community that revolves just that having deep and meaningful conversations. Won’t be able to tackle it quite yet but I will soon enough.
Simple is beauty.
@Dia funny that when you notice the similarities, instead of the differences, between you and another person the connection seems to transform almost instantly !
Thanks so much Gabe. Let me know how many new friends you make this week.
@Vincent Conquer fear and you conquer the world.
Thanks for the post. I had a nice conversation with someone at the theater just last night that was sparked up by him asking me about my cell phone and how I liked it. I can’t even count how many great conversations I’ve had with strangers that started with either that person or me saying “How do you like your phone?” : )
Wonderful post, I especially like how you added your own personal experiences. I think another thing that helps is to think that that (ahh the double that!) person is just like you really. They have hopes, dreams, fears, worries, but in the end they just want to be happy like you =)
Great list of ideas Bud! I find smiling always help – especially when you are walking up to someone. It makes you so much more approachable and people are willing to talk with a stranger that looks nice. Along those lines – make sure your clothes are clean and not looking like a bum
You know what’s great about the Internet? It takes the 6 degrees of separation and boils it down to 1 degree!
I could connect with anyone in the world and make friends. So cool.
The other thing is the smile. It does do absolute wonders to flash a smile. It adds warmth and kindness and says, “Hey, this guy is nice
Hi Bud,
I love the clarity and simplicity in your list. Yes, say “hi” and be interested. The best way to BE interesting is to be INTERESTED in what others are up to… that one tip can have you connect with anyone.
@Brian: That’s super cool. I love hearing about relationships that spawn out of seemingly nowhere.
@Leslie: What we often forget is that everyone is more the same than different.
Thanks for stopping by!
@Katie: What’s wrong with being a bum? I’ve had some great conversations with them too!
Thanks for all the articles Bud, and thanks commentors for always adding more to them \o/
I do need to get working on getting more social
I live in Texas and find it very difficult to make friends here. I had no problems in California or New York. I am so depressed in Texas but my wife won’t leave.