My Biggest Fear (and How to Overcome It)
Glen / 
63 Comments / 
June 22nd, 2009 / 
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Right now, I’m fairly happy with my life situation. I work for myself, I run online communities which provide value to thousands of people, and I’m about to embark on a journey that will take me to some awesome countries for at least 6 months. Yet, although this is the case, I still don’t feel anywhere near like I’ve ‘made it’ or that I’m living up to my potential.
A common misconception people have about those who write on the subject of Personal Development is that their lives must be perfect. They must wake up at 6am, exercise daily, eat a balanced diet, remain positive in all situations and never judge people. That may be the case for some, but definitely not me.
I do have some habits I’m proud of, like trying to offer value on a daily basis, regularly going to the gym and attempting to make the most of life, but I’m far from perfect. And, right now, I actually have a fear that I can’t seem to shake. I’m afraid of looking back on life when I’m older and seeing nothing but reactivity and missed opportunities.
I’m afraid of lying on my death bed knowing full-well I didn’t make the most of this chance. This could be not letting people know how much I care about them, or simply taking the ‘easy’ route at every turn because I’m not willing to put the effort in.
I have been thinking about this fear for a while and wondering how I can eliminate it or make it go away. Luckily, I have realised this fear while I have the chance to change things around. If you’re in a similar situation, this applies to you as well.
The only thing I have found to rid myself of this worry, is to act in alignment with my core values and standards at all times. To give and do the best I can in every situation. That’s all any of us can do, right?
Sticking to Your Values
Throughout life you will probably come across a lot of conflicting advice. Your friends tell you to get out and have fun while your parents tell you to study in order to improve your grades. Then, as you grow older, you probably hear ideas about getting a steady job and raising a family while others preach the benefits of being your own boss and ‘going against the grain.’
With all this differentiating advice out there, it can be hard to know where to turn. My only recommendation in this instance is to rely on your instincts and stick to your own values at all times.
Personal Examples
My free eBook on blogging, which I launched last week, was ready for quite a while before I realised it. Instead of just rushing it out there, I took time to get feedback from those who were willing to help so that I could improve the offering. Basically, I stuck to my core values of putting high quality information out there and not just any old rubbish.
Around a similar time, I was mentioned as one of the ‘top 10 productivity blogs‘ (which I really appreciate) by a blogger I respect. I received quite a lot of new subscribers for this, the only issue being that I rarely write about productivity. It is probably the least used category on this blog (besides health). At first I thought “Uh oh, now I’ll have to do more productivity posts or those guys will stop reading,” but, sticking to my values, that is not what I’ll do.
If writing a post on productivity is on my mind then I will write it. Otherwise, I’ll publish content that is on a similar theme to what I usually release. It would be very reactive if I were to change what I was writing just to keep a select group of people happy.
Steve Pavlina was one of the main reasons I started this site and is a big inspiration of mine when it comes to offering value. Based on this, it came as a nice surprise when a few people left comments saying “I used to read Steve Pavlina but he’s going downhill, I read your site now instead.”
After reading these comments – similar to the productivity ‘incident’ – I had thoughts along the lines of “Now I really have to up my game because people are expecting Steve Pavlina quality.” In reality, I shouldn’t change a thing. All I can control is whether I’m happy with what I put out to the world, not whether people like it.
3 Things I Want to Share
Quite simply, the message of this post is about living up to your own standards and disregarding your fears of whether you live up to those of others. If you disagree with that and think you should live to make your parents, friends or some ‘God’ happy then let’s just say that we have very different views.
I wanted to share three more examples of this idea which I feel really help to drive this point home.
1. Doing What You Want To Do (Video)
Myself and Alex often did what we wanted to do and one particular night in his favourite nightclub, Stones, was no exception. We entered the club which was fairly busy and had great music playing, but not one single person was dancing. We wanted to dance, so that’s exactly what we did.
Guys laughed and sneered, girls looked taken aback.
Yet, within 2 minutes, the dance floor was packed. People surrounded us and high fived us like they would receive money for doing so. Every guy wanted to be us and every girl wanted to be with us (yes, I know this sounds like a corny line from a movie, but it’s true).
The following video is a fairly good representation of that night. I’m not stupid; I’m pretty sure the following example involves drug use. Despite that, I still feel it is a great example of those who do / go for what they want and those who are only ready to follow when they don’t feel like they’ll be judged.
If you’re viewing this post in an RSS reader or in your Inbox, click through to watch this video (you owe it to yourself)!
2. Keeping the Guy in the Glass Happy
I have a feeling the following passage is quite well known but I only came upon it recently. I read about it in Steve Pavlina’s book and then it was also posted on Facebook by my friend Diggy. Everyone ought to read this as it not only sums out the main message in this blog post, but it will give you valuable ideas to consider.
This was written by Dale Wimbrow in 1934:
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.
3. Your Followers Will Filter Themselves
A blog I enjoy reading, The Big Dreamer, wrote an interesting post recently. The post covered how the owner of the site, Mark, had never really defined who his ideal blog reader was, so he changed his headline to reflect that.
Mark mentioned a common idea that many people tend to follow:
I know this is a stupid mistake because it is only common sense to carefully define your target audience (the right people) if you’re trying to build a following. OK, I’ve come to my senses now.
No disrespect to him at all, but I disagree with this idea. When you are doing market research you need to define your audience but apart from that, your audience will define you themselves. The idea he mentioned is used by the creators of newspapers, magazines, blogs and in far more examples than I could possible cover. It’s even an idea we use in relationships; we try to define ourselves to keep certain people happy in our lives.
My philosophy is quite simple: keep doing what you’re doing, and people will happily filter themselves. If you stick to your values and certain friends don’t like that, they will naturally drift out of your life while you naturally attract other people. If you regularly write long blog posts then people who prefer short ones will naturally drift away while those who like more content will be drawn towards you.
Don’t always feel like you have to give yourself or your projects a label. Just keep doing whatever aligns with your beliefs and values, and the rest will handle itself.
I know this post was a bit of a monster, but I really, really enjoyed writing it and therefore, that is why it is a monster. I write a lot less regularly than most sites, but I always try to pack my content with real value. Quite simply, I’m trying to stick to my own values and not letting society or other influences sway my ideas. This is a concept that, from now on, I will attempt to follow throughout my life.
On that note, I would love to hear what you think about this post in the comments!
If you enjoyed this post, I would appreciate if you share it on Twitter, Facebook or Delicious!
Awwwsome post.
so true about the myth of personal development bloggers and their (not-so) perfect lives.
i think your fear is an over-achiever thing. you’re doing really well but don’t have a bench-mark to see that it’s more than enough. i think it’s good ‘ol acceptance 101 and “nothing can complete you” thinking.
you’re not really worried about missed opportunities and missed opportunity. that’s surface stuff. you’re worried about what it means that you missed an opportunity. what it means that you’re reacting.
you’re worried you’re not good enough.
but check out this awesome post by a good friend of mine and an amazing blogger and entrepreneur, who many many people look up to and who takes more opportunities than most people i’ve met: http://www.pluginid.com/you-are-enough/
thanks for the shoutout (holla at cha boi). I won’t tell anyone that stones was your favourite club and that you have vip parking outside for the Midge
i’ll never forget that night. sheer ownage of stones. gangster dudes were taking out their fake teeth and shouting our names
video reminds me of vortex. mikey, cane, creamsoda and hippies
…and salmon 
really liked this post. probably the best i’ve read of yours actually.
so true that if you stick to doing what you do and living for you, being real – people will filter themselves. and some will leave. and that’s fine. but you’ll be true to yourslef and people who truly matter will stick around while hoards more crowd up to be a part of your amazing life.
tweeted ‘n stumbled.
ownage
keep well bro.
alex – unleash relaity
Hahah VIP parking, I wish. That video is insane, make sure you watch it till the end.
Thanks for the comment man, I really appreciate what you have to say
I think following our core values is the ultimate skill to learn. I think the theory of ‘act as if’ follows the same path.
You mean as in “act as if you already have whatever it is you want”?
If so, then I can relate to t hat. Thanks for the comment Oscar!
Yes, act as if you already have whatever you want
Another great post. Excellent idea about being true to your core values and being who you are. I, too, have in the past tried to make others happy at my own expense. Your post is excellent for reminding people that their is a better way to live. Peace.
Thanks Darrell, I appreciate your thoughts as always!
Good to see you around here again
Glen, The fear of not being everything you can be is common with people who live consciously and the cure is already with you as you explained in your post. Good post.
Thanks Sunny, well said!
Hi Glen
Great post and a reminder to be true to ourselves and just let it go! Where ever we are at any point in time is exactly where we are meant to be and life will just work.
As a blogger we will attract the people we are meant to as long as we are authentic. Longer term it is so less stressful for our selves as well and sustainable. I have had an acute experience of this myself in another part of our own business. We are all evolving beings and I was attempting to connect with a group where I did not have the same values and beliefs any more. Interesting that as I started to be more me a few people unsubscribed.
I saw that as a great sign of where I was at and where they were.
No judgement at all just the realisation that perhaps I was not the person to serve them and that my market where somewhere else. This came about as I started to be authentically me and trust the “universe” and that as I moved into action then the things I needed and wanted would start to happen.
This is proving the case.
Keep up the great work Glenn
LOL
Denise PS Who does your graphics ?? They are fab!
Hey Denise,
First of all, thanks for sharing your personal example. It’s nice to have other experiences to back up my beliefs.
Secondly, all of the graphics on this site are created by me. The images you see in posts are from Flickr and they always have ‘photo credit’ under them, and then I edit them.
It looks like I forgot to do that for this post so I’ll go find that now
Thanks Glen. I really needed this post right now.
As my blog is slowly beginning to catch on, I sometimes catch myself thinking, “what if my new visitors don’t like my content?”
This fear has completely drained my energy over the past week.So during the last few days I have been doing a lot of reflecting to reassure myself that I am on the right path and it has been working surprisingly well
Like you, I tend to write more lengthly posts but also pack my posts with value. It is essential as you say Glen, to stick to your core beliefs. When you doubt what you have to offer, people reading will pick up on the vibe. If you stick to your core values success is guaranteed.
The truth is you can never go wrong when you offer value. If you do that everything else will fall into place.
“I’m afraid of looking back on life when I’m older and seeing nothing but reactivity and missed opportunities.”
What a joke Glen. You’re doing amazing (and will do even better things for this world.)
Don’t stop.
People only see what I put out there, not how I spend my days. Still though, thanks for the kind words buddy.
I’m glad you could relate to what I was saying, I definitely think the ‘followers will filter themselves’ situation applies to you.
Consistency is key, trust me.
to say, you have done a great job with this post. And that attraction thing is just what I experience every single time I post to blog. I just talked to Alex, he is a great guy. I just attracted the guy. He is a charm to talk with.
Yep, Alex is awesome. If you like him online, you should meet him in person
. I only wish I had made some videos with him before I left Cape Town.
Thanks for your comment Jaky, awesome of you to stop by!
Wow Glen. It’s crazy how your writing can make me feel like we’ve known each other our entire lives and how we are both gravitating towards the same place in the world. We are on opposite sides of the planet, yet you could easily be my brother.
Humanity as a whole could benefit from feeling the connection I feel towards you and many other bloggers who work daily to improve the world. Thanks for your hard work and the inspiration you provide us with.
Hey Ibrahim,
Yeah, crazy stuff. I’m glad you could relate + connect to what I’m saying.
Thanks for your comment, bro
wonderful, it felt so good to read this post. Really relieving. Thank you!
You’re welcome BG, I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by
Being yourself, and stick to your values is I think, more important than please new visitors, cause your readers who read now, won’t always like it.
This reminds me of a party where I was lately and I behaved different, according to my girlfriend. And she didn’t liked it. When I ‘got back’ to the party (in my head only) and I knew what she meant. There were some other guys who I liked and I behaved in a way which would ‘please’ them. And my girlfriend didn’t liked that behaviour.
Sorry for all the ‘ ‘ but I think you know what I mean. Don’t change to please new visitors, your loyal readers won’t like it!
Stefan,
http://StudySuccessful.com
That’s a good example Stefan, trying to impress people and changing yourself for it.
No worries about the ”, I understood
Hi Glen,
Thanks so much for the mention! It’s great to know you’d dropped by The Big Dreamer and enjoyed what I have to share. I really appreciate that.
I want to also thank you for offering your point of view and I know where you’re coming from. I do agree with you that it’s important to stick to your own values and keep doing what you’re doing. That’s what I’m doing right now.
Whatever I write on my blog, it’s not only meant for other people to read, but it’s also meant for myself. In other words, I’m writing to myself to put the lessons I’ve learnt into perspective so that I’m able to see the lessons with more clarity, thus allowing me to learn better.
Since I’m writing to myself – a big dreamer – I thought this might interest other big dreamers and so I thought The Big Dreamer would be the blog for this target audience to hang out. Not only that, I enjoy hanging out with other big dreamers (like-minded people) so I reckon my blog would serve as a very good platform to achieve that online.
That’s why it is a must for me to stick to my own values and only write something that comes from my heart; something that I have an urge to talk about; something that is meant for a big dreamer, cos’ if not, I’d only be lying to myself, which I think is worse than lying to my readers.
Cheers~
Mark
Hey Mark, thanks for stopping by!
Yeah I can definitely relate to that, I’m very similar.
Great comment
Thanks for sharing Glen. I’ve been going through a somewhat challenging period in my life, having just finished grad school, and posts like this help keep things in perspective.
Hey buddy, it’s really awesome to read things like that. Thanks for sharing
That´s a pretty powerful passage.
¨But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.¨
I totally agree with this, yourself is the only who will be with you forever, friends come and go, family comes and goes and while it`s great and rewarding to help others, we have to be true to ourselves first and if we`re happy, people around us will be happy too. If we`re true to our own values and do what WE feel is right, people will respect us for that and we will attract people with same interests and values.
You said you won`t change a thing to please some people`s expectations. Of course you don`t have to change! You CAN`T please EVERYONE out there.
Thanks for an amazing post
Aaaah Chica, it’s been so long!
Very true, it’s far easier for people to connect with you as well rather than when you’re putting on a front.
Gracias for the comment.
This whole post is full of great personal insight, but the thing you said that most stands out to me is to follow your OWN gut instincts. Every time I’ve not done that, I’ve regreted it. Who can we truly be but ourselves? That is the best path to happiness and success.
Karen
Hey Karen, thanks for your comment and sharing your experience
I love this post, Glen… particularly this line:
If you stick to your values and certain friends don’t like that, they will naturally drift out of your life while you naturally attract other people.
I really like the idea that readers naturally filter themselves. I don’t have to come up with a pre-packaged message that appeals to a certain demographic. I can just be me… and that will be exactly what some people like, and won’t appeal to others at all. But in the end, the tribe I’m left with will be made up entirely of people who WANT to be there, who CHOOSE my particular style of nuttiness.
Fantastic post!
Hey Lee-Cease (I say it properly in my head now
)
I couldn’t have said that any better, thanks for the kind words
You goof!
Great topic today. Readers do filter themselves, but they also simply come and go. The face of demographics has changed. I am trying to learn to let go of the idea on my blog that a certian age or type is visiting. There are people of all ages and walks and that frustrated me at first, wanting or expecting them to be a “type”. Now I go with the flow and people find me, and they come and go.
I think letting go is a good idea, trying to control things like visitors never really works anyway.
Thanks for mentioning my top productivity blogs post. I don’t view the lack of productivity themed posts an issue here. All of your posts encourage you to live a “productive lifestyle” and to me, that’s what it’s all about, rather than just GTD, lifehacks, etc.
Hey James, thanks for stopping by.
Again, thanks for the mention as well. I actually understand that and assumed that was your motive, I just thought it was a good idea of sticking to your guns so gave it as an example.
Cheers for the comment buddy
Glen,
Your posts are very inspirational. Great work. My favorite remark is about thinking that people expect “Steve Pavlina-quality” posts. I felt the same way for a while. But now I have my own writing style, one that completes who I am. It also allows readers to see the real me.
I’m convinced. Time to subscribe.
Nice video!
Before entering the personal development scene I was busy within the PUA (pick-up artist) area so I can definitely account for how well “do what you want to do” works in that regards. I’m sure the same can work wonders for any area of life.
Glen, been reading you for awhile, and I must say you’ve emerged my personal development fave. You continuously provide true value, written well, and share your success/failures along the way. I think this is key.
. ha.
Also, you do it with so much humility and genuine regard to HELP your readers.
Are you REALLY only 21
Keep it up, dude. Remarkable work!
Ah, don’t say that Brian, you’ll put me under more pressure
Seriously though, thanks a lot for your comment, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate words like that.
I turned 20 about 3 weeks ago
- Glen
Glen, that was the best post I’ve read in a while. You are so right on with your feelings and thoughts. You have an extra-ordinary way of achieveing more thna you can! You will go so far in life…and always stop to smell the roses or watch the wind on your way.
I remember a time when a few girls and myself were in Denver and the exact same thing happened! We walked in, a great song came on, nobody was dancing, and we lit it up! I dance like a “white boy” but I love it and it shows and it motivated so many people.
Many time people want to. They pine to. But they always have to wait for that one person to do it first, then they follow suit.
Hey Keith, thanks for the awesome comment!
Ah, another great example. I’m pretty sure I dance like a typical white boy as well
So true, I’m glad you could relate the post!
The concept of a “self-selecting audience” is another reason Twitter works out so well. People come and go as they please; the ones who find you and like you will stay.
Hey Glen, another great post! On writing what you love, I agree it is an overall arching strategy. We should definitely not define ourselves according to what visitors want; but it is important we define who we are to others, so it’s easier for like-minded readers to find us. I found that web works a little different from other mediums, where surfers just browse for a few seconds, then click away fairly quickly. The things that they do see in the few seconds is the title of the blog and the tagline, so having those encapsulate what we stand for is critical
Timeless stuff Glen, thanks! I totally connect to your message. Be authentic, follow your heart and provide real value and the rest will fall into its place.
By the way, The 21 day challenge ( http://www.pluginid.com/21-day-challenge/ ) rocks! Step 3 alone is VERY powerful but together it is just amazing even after a few days. All of you who want to make changes in your life, go for it.
Hey Rudolf!
I’m glad you liked the 21 day challenge, it has received some great feedback from people who have gone the whole way. Thank you for your comment.
Thanks for sharing. It’s nothing Ive never thought about before but your article kind of drove it all home.
No one can be perfect, and probably you’re closer to your best than you’d believe. And when you aim for your best, you’re already on the right track.
I’ve also written a post related to fears and accepting yourself, that’s how I found your article: http://sowilldo.com/2009/06/no-good-or-bad/
Namaste.
I like that idea about ‘aiming’ for your best taking you to the right destination, thanks for the comments.
I’m not sure what you mean about your post enabling you to find mine, but I’ll check it out.
Namaste
Before (and after) publishing the post I did a little research to see the opinion of some of the bloggers I follow regarding the topic. That’s what I mean by that.
Hey,
Another great post Glen, really really enjoyed reading this one.
I am currently trying to get out of the mindset of always trying to change myself to please others if that makes sense, or rather limiting myself to please others.
A good example of me doing this I guess is I went out to a club called the Box not so long ago with a few friends from my college, they were all dancing, well, rocking out as they call it haha, not dancing, and they all wanted me to but I just couldn’t do it. I know that I am not the best dancer, but I am starting to realise that that shouldn’t matter, my friends told me who gives a damn what people think, it doesn’t matter as long as we have fun, and I realise they were right now. I didn’t much at all that night, and I realise that was a mistake now, because I wanted to but was too bothered about other people’s opinions.
This is a problem I have been trying to get past for a couple of weeks now because I really don’t want to care what other people think anymore, but it seems to be a hard habit to get out of. But your post has helped a lot, so thanks, I think I understand about it all now and being yourself, personal values etc, I just need to get out of the habit of always thinking “ooh what if people think this or that”.
And eek, just realised how long a comment that is, sorry >,<
Anyway, thanks for another great article :]
Hey man, no worries about long comments, I read every single one.
Thanks for sharing your story, I left a comment on your site
Hey Glen
Really enjoyed this – fab stuff and a great reminder! Look forward to reading more of your articles.
Cheers
Jen
Hey Glen! You mentioned in your post:
“If writing a post on productivity is on my mind then I will write it. Otherwise, I’ll publish content that is on a similar theme to what I usually release. It would be very reactive if I were to change what I was writing just to keep a select group of people happy.”
That made me curious, what do you consider your usual themes for your blogging material? Do you draw from personal experience and write about personal development from that aspect (which it how it appears to me)? Or do you choose a topic that resonate with you first, and then you draw from personal experiences to create the post?
Weird question, I know!
This site is about plugging into your identity, so I would say my usual theme is about inspiring people to be their real self (the one with unlimited potential). I sometimes post inspiration I have found from books and that kind of thing, but generally I want to motivate and inspire people in any way that I can.
This is actually the only content site of mine where I don’t have a list of ‘planned’ posts and I only write something when I have value or a unique angle to give. I would never write for the sake of writing.
Usually my ideas tend to come from personal experiences anyway, so it works well for me from that angle.
Not a weird question at all, thanks for your comment!
Pretty cool post. I just came by your site and wanted to say
that I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog posts. In any case
I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!
Awesome post, thanks so much Glen. That video is amazing as well
Woah dude!!!
Awesome post!
Thanks for the link, and I love that poem the guy in the glass, it just makes so much sense.
Why do we try to please others so hard, stick to your own values.
If you aint true to yourself…you aint true to nobody!
Your posts are definitely top class quality! I enjoy every one!
Peace!
PROJECT AMSTERDAM
Glenn, you have done a lot of things in your life. You moved to Africa, why do you feel like you have achieved nothing?