Personality Development: Be Who You Want to Be
Glen / 
47 Comments / 
April 23rd, 2009 / 
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Personality is an interesting subject, and not a topic I wanted to cover until I had thoroughly done my research. After-all, even just the word ‘personality’ means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Our personality actually plays a huge part in how we perceive the world and how the world perceives us so I think it is an important subject to cover.
This site is all about living the life you want to live and being who you want to be and I think it’s safe to say that we each view someone’s personality as a large part of what makes them who they are. With that in mind, let’s look at how you can change yours for your own benefit.
What is Our Personality?
I searched around for some definitions of this term and I have to say that my favourite is rather basic: “A set of qualities that make a person distinct from another”. Nice, simple, to the point and the exact definition that I’ve come to think the word means through my 19 years of existence.
On top of that statement, I, like many others, believe that our personality includes our beliefs and values so this is the understanding of the word I’m going to use here. Feel free to substitute your own definition and still go through the process towards the middle of this post.
How It Is Formed
Your current personality, whatever it may be, has been formed in a number of ways. Psychologists have studied human personalities for years and have come to a number of conclusions. First of all, it is believed that certain traits in our character are hereditary, yet things like our values and beliefs are derived from socialization and unique experiences, mostly from childhood.
Based on that statement, it’s likely that the personality of you and anyone you know is based on:
- Social experiences (especially from childhood)
- Unique experiences that you have had in your lifetime
- The environment in which you grew up and how you had to act
While most of this might seem obvious, there is some strong research which suggests that a lot of our current personality is in-fact, genetic. As an example, researchers from the University of Minnesota studied 8,000 twins who had been separated shortly after birth and reunited later in life for whatever reason. They found that even though one of the twins may have lived a completely different live in a different environment, their behaviours were still almost identical.
I don’t think I like the idea that our personality and specifically our behaviours are largely proven to be based around our genetic make-up. That being said, I still believe it is entirely possible to change your personality and literally be whoever you want to be.
Designing your Own Personality
Before continuing with the following steps on designing your own personality, spend a few minutes thinking of the personalities of people in your life. I have some close friends that I know whenever I see them they will cheer me up because they are happy and very positive. On the other hand, I also have friends that are close, but I can always predict how they will react in certain situations and it is usually in a negative manner.
I think all of you can relate to my situation of having friends who you love to be around and other friends who you do care about, but make you feel ‘drained’ when you spend time with them.
The whole point of this post and personality development in general is to develop the characteristics you want to have rather than the ones you’ve been conditioned with.
Following are four steps that I have personally used in the past month to help bring about a change in my own personality that have allowed me to literally be the type of person I want to be. If you are just a skim reader, do not take any advice in this post. The sections in bold need their descriptions to be read in order to have this process result in the kind of personality that you want.
1. Be Honest With Your Current Traits
How would you describe yourself right now? Personally I think I have quite a split personality. At times I can be quiet, I keep myself to myself and I’m very considerate towards the feelings of others. At other times, I can be quite crazy, highly outgoing and literally oblivious to what people think and I don’t really care.
It’s important that you are honest with your current traits so you can decide what you want to change. The position I would like to take my life requires me to be considerate to others so I wouldn’t change that, but I also want to have other characteristics which don’t necessarily compliment being considerate.
If you’ve just spent the last few days in a negative spiral, cursing everything and thinking the world owes you a favour, then don’t define yourself as someone who is happy and positive all the time. You may be happy and positive some of the time, but you should be aware of the traits you aren’t so proud of as well as the ones that you are. Honest self-assessment is key to this step of the process.
2. Define the Qualities You Want to Have
Because this is all about you being who you want to be, it’s time to pick the qualities that you want to have. I have to stress that is important that you do not go overboard on this part of the process and pick tons of qualities that you desire. It is far easier to focus on around 5 core qualities you would like to have at a time rather than a list of 20 or more.
Some of the qualities that I picked for myself were:
- Independent
- Honest
- Positive
- Fun / Good sense of humour
- Trustworthy
It is important you pick qualities that you want to have, rather than qualities you think people want you to have. I put honest and trustworthy on my list because they matter to me personally, but I also put positive because life is a toss-up between that and negative. Most people will say they want to be positive yet they unconsciously love drama in their lives, so really think about this before making your list.
3. Visualise Yourself for 21 Days with These Qualities
The 21-day format has been without a doubt the most amazing thing I have came across in my life. I like to think that I semi-invented this idea because even though it is featured in the book ‘Psycho Cybernetics’ by Maxwell Maltz, I can’t find any evidence online of someone who had put a plan in place for this and implemented it (so I did).
This third part of the process will involve you visualising yourself in any situation having the qualities that you want to have. There are a few things to remember during visualisations and the 21-day challenge:
- You must do this for 21 days without missing a day
- You need to visualise yourself being how you want to be in terms of the end result, not the process
- Your visualisations need to be as real as possible – notice smells, colours, small details and sounds from your imagined environment
To give an example, If I want the quality of positivity to become natural, then each day I must spend a couple of minutes visualising myself being positive. For example I might visualise myself, as vividly as possible, being positive after an event that most people would struggle to remain happy about. I am aware of the fact that this idea will sound very silly if you have never tried it before.
However, it is scientifically proven that our nervous system can not tell the difference between a real event and one that is vividly imagined. The 21 days that you will do this process for is enough time for new connections and pathways to form in your brain, thus ‘imprinting’ your desired result – sort of like a habitual auto-response.
4. Act as If They Are Present
This is quite self explanatory, but in everyday life see if you can act as if your desired qualities are already present. If you want to be positive then be positive, if you wish to be honest then start implementing that in your life. This will get much, much easier as you get closer to the end of the 21 day challenge and this starts to become habitual.
For those of you who do take this challenge I would love for you to come back in around three weeks and let me know how you get on. To everyone else, I would love your thoughts of the idea in general and what your thoughts are on changing our personalities.
If you enjoyed this post, I would appreciate if you share it on Twitter, Facebook or Delicious!
So are you saying we visualize all 5 traits every day, or pick one at a time? Doing all 5 sounds hard, doing one at a time will take a long time! And how do you visualize something like “trustworthy” or “honest”?
Thanks!
My ‘other’ 21 day challenge has 4 parts and it takes me less than 10 minutes to complete each day
http://www.pluginid.com/21-day-challenge/
If you have 5 traits, and a vivid example of each that only takes a minute or 2 to go through, then that is less than 10 minutes of your day to do this exercise.
To visualise trustworthy and honest you have to think about why you want them. There’s no use having a quality if you don’t plan on using it, right? Think about where or how you plan on implementing honesty in your life and visualise that.
- Glen
EXCELLENT POST!
I really enjoyed reading it. Though I know we don’t have total control over our personalities, to some extent we can be who we want to be (rather than who we think we are). This is a great topic and it applies to EVERYONE. Thanks for writing about it. Loved it!
http://positivelypresent.typepad.com
Thank you positivitely. For some reason I was quite disappointed to know that a lot of behaviours are genetic. I guess I like to think we have complete control
That is the most basic AND rather amazing definition of personality I’ve ever read. You could have doubled the words and only diluted the meaning.
You know it’s a good definition when the ‘Wizard of Words’ likes it
I think we all have some aspects of our personality we don`t like much (maybe hereditary ones), and it´s totally possible to change them if that`s what we really want, until we love our personality
I agree Chica, thanks for the comment.
Glen,
It is always amazing to read your stuff and after think to myself how you are only 19 years old. Absolutely amazing and inspiring how great a writer and focused a web pro you are at such a young age. Thanks for writing this, I enjoyed this one a lot.
Thanks Adam, I really appreciate that. You’re a similar age aren’t you?
Hiya
Another great post with many practical suggestions.
The 21 day plan is an excellent tool for growing those qualities and a good reminder for me to focus on the end result.
Thanks
Jens
Thanks Jens, have you tried it out before?
The 21-day challenge is a great idea. I do two things each day that are similar: I keep a journal of gratitudes where only the positives in each day are listed. Each night, as I fall asleep, I picture myself in a strong happy state and use the 5 senses to enhance and reinforce that image.
Good post!
Karen I noticed today that you commented on one of my first ever blog posts almost a year ago. I really appreciate that are still around today.
Kind of off topic, but it had to be said.
Kudos, Glen:
http://www.litboy.com/my_weblog/2009/04/kicka-blog-recommendation.html
(FYI, I’m trying to figure out how to do the trackback thing. Here’s the link from my blog, in case it’s useful somehow:)
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341c9c1253ef01157046c363970)
Thanks Bill, I appreciate it!
well done on tackling a topic like this man.
you only really appreciate it when you try do it yourself :p
to me, personality is def something you have, not are. but, like you say, can be improved upon. or “designed”
– i like the way you put that.
slick idea that – 21 day challenge. reminds me of old school days of 30 day challenge (the other kind
) stones!!!
i think so important with personality is that it’s fluid and – like you say – it’s determined by randomness (social conditioning etc) so it CAN change.
awwwesome stuff.
respect
alex
Hey Ally, were you surprised about this being genetic in a way? I’m glad I researched it because that really surprised me.
Man I wish we had stones in the UK, I miss it
– I’m joking of course (or am I?)
“I don’t think I like the idea that our personality and specifically our behaviours are largely proven to be based around our genetic make-up. That being said, I still believe it is entirely possible to change your personality and literally be whoever you want to be.”
Neither do I Glen. Here is how I look at it. Most people tend to follow their genetic influences because it is easy. Just because statistically people tend to their genes, doesn’t mean I have to do that. There is no question you can overcome your genetic tendencies. There are genetic traits around personality, brain waves, and alcohol metabolism that create a much greater statistical likelihood that some people will become alcoholics. However it is a demonstrable fact that people with these traits can avoid or heal from alcoholism.
The fact our genes influence populations in statistical ways does NOT mean we as individuals are slaves to them. One person can be genetically slim and another genetically fat. However, the later can be be slimmer and more fit than the former. Genes influence but they do not make who we are.
Thanks for this article!
I agree – especially about the visualization part. It’s good to see someone writing about visualization as a tool to reach these kinds of a goal. I use visualization techniques regularly and with great success, especially in sports. The step from using this technique in sports to using it also in reaching personal goals came as a natural progression for me and has proven to be highly effective. It’s amazing what you can do with it and how effective it is to “live” changes in your mind.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Lisa
That’s a good question that I believe everybody needs to ask themselves. For me I took a pen and paper and asked myself that question, what resulted was over 1600 pages of writing. That was 3 years ago. As a result I have gained clarity and focus and I am now much closer to who I want to be. It has given me purpose and something to share with the world.
@Cody – interesting point. Writing is also a way for me to gain clarity. I can understand how your 1600 pages helped you to understand more. Writing somehow helps you to organize and analyse information – even your own.
The deeper your understanding of yourself is, the easier it is to really identify and own your goals and dreams.
Good post Glen.
It’s amazing how people remain stuck in their auto-created personalities and do not understand that they can choose to re-create their personal traits as they like.
Thanks for pointing that out.
I really like your emphasis on visualization. I think it’s potentially a very powerful tool. One that I’m going to be doing more experimentation in.
In jolt of excitement and overwhelming emotions, it’s possible to realize all the remarkable latent credibility within us all. Our emotions bind us to our powers for sure. We know we’re special, we’re around beauteous people in a precious environment to which we can discover our salvation if we want to. Should our appeased conditions be set improperly, we might just move away from that unproductive environment.
These advices can help us be aroused where a calm, confident with a ‘i-know-what-i’m-doing’ attitude/behavior can allow to emulate our qualities. I really appreciate going through this pleasurable article.
Hi Glen,
First of all i would like to say that i really enjoyed reading your article. I am also about to start this 21 day process but before that i want to clear up a few things. Do we have to visualize a different memory everyday or can it be the same one and secondly do these have to be actuall memories or something you just thought up yourself? Also is this the same as the 21 day challenge?
Hope you can get back to me quickly.
Cheers,
T.J
Hey T.J
Sorry that I missed your comment. I think it’s probably best if you use the same memory everyday, especially if you can make it as vivid as possible.
This is a similar process, but for different reasons.
Concerning twin studies: Renowned brain expert Win Wenger writes something very interesting about this (although I’m not completely sure if this deals with the same studies mentioned in the main article):
… more and more questions about the internal evidence arose in those studies until Burt himself finally admitted that not only had he made up the studies out of his own head, but had also made up the names of his colleagues published as co-authors in those studies!
–And most of those texts, today, no longer cite Burt’s “studies” by name, only saying instead, “studies show that….”
Source (about middle of the page):
http://www.winwenger.com/ebooks/guaran2.htm
Well… nice article indeed. I am also a guy whos really interested in these kind of self-development topics from childhood. I read almost books of authors like Napolean Hill, Dale Carnegie, L Ron Hubbard, Sheila Ostrander, Lance Scroider and much more….and from these i gained a lot of self confidence and power to use my potential upto its fullest..Keep updating…. and dont forget to visit my blog!!
Develop yourself so that you can develop everything u want…
Very nice and informative post! I’ve found a lot of useful information here and I like the idea of 21-day challenge. As a matter of fact, I might use that. Besides, I really like your writing style!
An amazing and informative article…it’s nice to know that I could be someone whom I want to be. I will try the 21-day trial and get back after the period. Thanks a lot…
It’s very good and informative article. I m happy to know that how we can develop our own personality..I will try 21-days trial & get back soon….
Thanx…..
hmmm…nice article indeed! the 21 challenge is a nice idea,i really enjoyed reading it. i don’t know what to say…..but its nice.
hi…I really like your article, i read it twice (yesterday & now)
ya, right visualizing our selves we need it!very interesting article..
azzir (Filipino)
hi glen,
this is my first time reading ur post, i found the topic interesting. Personality development for me after reading is like we standing in front of a mirror and seeing our-self as whom we want to be.
but do u believe that our inner self also looks like our changed personality??
This is a quite helpful stuff. Well how are u so focussed at this small age? Do u live ur life in a different way or is it the effect of positivity?
Really awesome site. Tips are helpful as well as informative regarding aspects of personality development. But i m not fully agreed in the definition you mentioned regarding personality. Our qualities are distinct from one another, even in clone, the qualities vary so this doesn’t fully defines personality or a particular. And yes, our personality is effected by the place, condition, and most importantly the environment where we grew up. Adulthood is the outcome of childhood. I have also been researching the behavior of individuals for past 5 yrs and i found that, what a person will be in future, his personality (positive or negative personality trait) is based on how he had grown up. If a child had grown up in criminal family, its definitely more chances for him to be criminal later and probably tough to alter and transform his negative personality to something positive. I wish i could write more but its not possible so, i want you to visit my blog and if you agree we can exchange links for better sharing. Thankx
If personalities and characteristics are to be genetic? whats the evidence? I think that personalities are made through our actions, on how we think and decide in every certain situations. but generally i would come up to making ourselves the way we want it to be so things will not be complicated with regards to this matter. i think this is the best way to understand personality development.