Validation / Approval Seeking: No More, I’m Done
Glen / 
39 Comments / 
February 16th, 2009 / 
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That’s right. From this day forward, my aim is to never do things in order to look better in the eyes of others. Nor will I look for the approval (reactions) of others to give me a sense of who I am. While analysing (probably over-analysing) my current life situation today, I noticed validation seeking to be one of the main things holding me back from going for what I want and also one of my biggest time-wasters.
Validation does have its place, which I’ll cover below, but besides my limited examples I’ve found it to cause nothing but emotional swings, dependence, and unfulfilment in those who seek it. Right now, I’m either incredibly mind f*ck*d or I’m getting closer to the truth.
What is Validation Seeking?
When I refer to validation seeking, I’m talking about our need to feel like we are doing things right, the need to feel accepted or approved in the eyes of others. When I noticed that myself and others spend a lot of time seeking validation or approval from those around us, there were a few examples that came to mind:
- We update our Facebook status’ just to make sure the world knows we went to an awesome party last night or did ‘X’ that they ‘missed out on’
- We cling to a partner that clearly isn’t right for us, just so that we can continue to feel wanted
- We judge other people just to feel better about ourselves
- We worry about how we dress and how people will react to that
- We make important life decisions to keep other people happy – for example, arranged marriages and career choices
Maybe some of you can relate to these points, I see myself in all of them and definitely see those around me in some. The problem with validation seeking is that you are constantly looking to others as a source for your good emotions and self-esteem. If someone tells you that you are beautiful or handsome you feel great, but if they say you are hideous then your emotions slide in the opposite direction. Personally, I don’t want to be in that position.
This isn’t to say that I will never give people compliments or not appreciate receiving them, but mine or anybody else’s happiness should not be found in the opinions of others. Our sense of who we are should not change depending on who we are talking to and what they have to say. If you have a strong reality, a strong understanding of who you are, then the need for validation will greatly diminish. I’m noticing that as I live more consciously and more in the moment, validation means less and less to me.
I don’t need other people to tell me who I am or how I should feel. I don’t need the approval of others to feel good about myself. In order to push this process as far as it can go, I’m pushing this ’seeking’ mentality out of my life.
Validation is not Necessary…
…or at least, it isn’t most of the time. Let me explain. When we are learning something or growing up, we look for validation in order to see what we are doing right. For example, a child will usually look to their mom to see if they are doing something naughty, sometimes to get a reaction, sometimes just to tell. This is not the type of validation I’m talking of. I guess if I had to give this “approval seeking validation” a name, I would call it Ego Validation.
You can even take a look at a popular figure thats gets Ego validation on a daily basis, Paris Hilton, to see it’s not that great. Paris is adored by millions of people throughout the world, she’s rich, she can party whenever she wants, go wherever she wants…and has people paying her compliments nonstop. Of course, I’m sure she sees the opposite side of that, the negative commentary, but the Ego Validation is still there.
It must be an amazing feeling to have all these people admire you, right?
If you look closely at the image on the right, you will see that Paris is reading the book, “The Power of Now”. This is a guide on spiritual enlightenment written by one of my favourite authors, Eckhart Tolle, and a book that really helped transform my life. In my opinion, people read books like this to get a better understanding on the world, but also to find ways to access the real happiness that life has to offer.
In some ways, I believe this picture shows that Ego Validation certainly isn’t everything. I think it shows that people who may appear to have everything, often don’t (as I’ve covered). No matter who you are, if you are constantly seeing yourself through the eyes of others, you will have emotional swings, you will have tough times. As soon as you start to live more consciously, and become more aware of your emotions and reactions to things, you will probably start to see our need of validation and approval from others as quite foolish.
No More, I’m Done
To some, I’m sure me saying that I no longer feel like I need validation will come across like I’m ‘above’ others or somehow too good. Trust me, that’s really not the case. If anything, this has all stemmed from a past feeling of not being good enough. I actually feel like I’m starting to wake up to the craziness of humanity and if I’m wrong…well…I can always go back to over the top Facebook status updates and stressing about what shirt to wear to a nightclub.
Right now I’m actually feeling quite disconnected from everything. Like all the things that used to bother me don’t really matter that much and most are quite irrelevant. I am very comfortable with my current situation, but the feeling I have will take some getting used to.
No more:
- If my parents want to judge my decisions, they can
- If my friends want to judge my decisions, they can
- If blog readers want to judge my decisions, they can
- No more Facebook or Twitter updates in order to seem ‘cool’
- No more talking or acting like I’m anything more than what I am
- No more doing things to impress others (Expression not Impression)
I’ve pretty much mastered the art of acceptance, letting go and quite possibly…living in the now. I’ll still face challenges on the way, I’ll still think of doing things through my Ego and I’m sure there will be times when I let the judgements of others get to me. However, each day I’m becoming more conscious to this and enjoying life more in the process. I’m not going to waste time caring what people think, at least not on an Ego level; life is too short and there are far more important things I want to achieve with my time and energy.
I don’t think there’s ever been a topic where I would love your thoughts so much, so please do leave a comment and let me know what you think about this. Especially if you can relate to my situation.
P.S. If you are wondering how I can just decide to no longer look for validation from others, that’s simple. I’m living in the moment much more these days and enjoying all the benefits that come with it.
If you enjoyed this post, I would appreciate if you share it on Twitter, Facebook or Delicious!
You have my approval
I too find myself waking up everyday to more and more of the craziness that we call ‘normal’ life.
Damn Jarrod, now you’ve gone against the whole post
Haha, just kidding. Nice to see I’m not on my own, thanks for the comment!
Great post, Glen. And great decision. You’ll really love your life this way. And you’ll love YOU. Enjoy the now!
Thanks Daphne
I think you’re spot on! I need to read this post two times a day every day – when I wake up and before I go to bed, until it’s imprinted into my brain, soul, and consciousness. Needing and seeking validation has been my downfall more times than I can count. To overcome that would be the one most life-changing and liberating experience of my life.
Thank you Mary,
Just as a futher step to living by my words, I’ve just signed up to Toastmasters. In all honesty, public speaking scares the sh*t out of me, but I want to face this head on. See how far I’ve really came or in other words, see how many irrelevant layers of social conditioning I’ve peeled back.
Live for the moment
That’s great you’ve signed up for Toastmasters…I went to a couple of meetings as a guest – and they were for public speaking as well!! It’s scary at first, intense being criticized for the umm’s and uh’s, the pauses, and the mispronunciation of some words, but you come out of it with a different perspective thinking, WOW! that’s an eye opener! [in a good way] I’ve met some incredible people as well.
Yes, live for the moment.
Cheers Angie, my first meeting is actually tonight. I hope I do actually get a chance to speak
good for you! Keep us posted as to how you like it/and what you learn
Good post Glen, and I agree that we do waste too much time doing things for effect or because what other people think is important to us. A couple of points:
1/ What you advocate is very, very hard to achieve. It’s basic human nature to want to please and / or impress others.
2/ The concept can go too far, so you need to avoid becoming someon who doesn’t give a sh*t about anything!
Keep us posted and let us know how it goes.
True, there is the potential that I start feeling like nothing is worth doing, that I can just sit in bed all day and be happy. Weird, I know. BUT…I guess that’s a hurdle I’ll have to jump.
1. I actually thought that to, until I let go. I surrendered to everything. Let people judge, let your emotions be present. Surrender to all, and you’ll find it isn’t that difficult.
I honestly think it is as easy to do as it is to type. By no means am I saying these feelings I have are permanent but they are present.
Thanks for your comment.
Ah! This is a tough thing you have picked up. I would love to hear how it goes – your struggles and your success. Even if you succeed implementing this by mere 50%, you will see phenomenal results. All the best for the same.
As for me, I believe people have a right to form their own opinions about me or anything else in the world. But just because they think so, doesn’t make it true. (Am getting a feeling of deja-vu … as if I have already shared this here before)
Possibly, but wise words can never be said too often.
I’ll definitely share some updates in the near future. I’m being very very conscious of what is going on in my head, noticing the repeating thoughts and reactions. It makes me laugh when I notice though.
Thanks for the comment. I completely agree that people can do whatever they want in terms of personal opinion, but none of it will help me establish who I am any clearer
Great post, Glen – I like your idea “expression, not impression.”
Hey Cath, thanks. It’s actually a message conveyed by Bruce Lee in one of his books.
I’m a big fan of his philosophy
Hi, Glen! I think you may be on to something here. There is one thing that I have found makes it REAL easy to permanently let go of the need for validation: Know Yourself.
If you know who you are, what you value, what you stand for, what you believe in, what you hope to achieve… (you get the idea) then other people can agree or disagree with you, and it will make no difference whatsoever. You can share your values with those who agree; you can learn new perspectives from those who disagree. But your sense of self will not be affected by these external influences.
Not that you need my opinion, but I think this was a great post!
=-)
You read my mind, so true. If I enabled voting on comments I would give you 2. This is exactly what I think has aswell. Have your own values, a STRONG SENSE OF WHO YOU ARE. Therefore, you don’t need anything to ‘build yourself up’, especially not approval or validation from others.
Awesome comment Lisis, there’s some validation for you
Good for you for figuring this out so young!
I’ve known this in my head for years and years, but it’s only now as I approach 40 that I’m actually learning it in my heart and able to live my life this way.
Thankfully I have some amazing friends who all managed to figure this out as well. For that, they are making something of their lives and not dealing with the negativity that everyday life can bring.
Thanks for stopping by as always Alex!
Indeed, when you take everyone else out of the picture and focus within, you will find everything you ever wanted or needed from people; hiding there.
Thank you for sharing
Well said Nicholas. Short and sweet.
Way to go Glen! You have taken a gigantic step towards personal freedom with this decision. I applaud you and here’s to your new found freedom.
Thank you Steven, are you on a similar path yourself or have you ‘arrived’?
As always a wonderful post but in this crazy world we live in its very hard to ‘let go’ and simply accept things and yourself as is especially when looking to others for some sense of self worth and validation has been part of your make up since childhood. Great post but I would really like to see you delve deeper into the topic as to how to let go and just be…
Hey Julz, here was my reaction to a similar comment above:
I’ll definitely cover more on the subject in the future
My process of discovering that fundamental truth seems to have culminated in reading your text. Thank you very much. These days a series of synchronicities and odd events are helping me seeing more clearly. It seems the info and/or my going back to the true roots are all part of the same process, guided by a new light. Thank you to all that are helping, either they’re conscious fo it are just the messengers.
I love to be alive!
Likewise Joao, I love to be present. I’m starting to believe the following quote to be more true by the day:
“When the student is ready, the teacher will arrive”
Cheers,
Glen
Cool post, Glen.
I find myself logging into Facebook and especially Twitter less and less frequently. In fact, I’m starting to think that the way most people (internet professionals especially) use social networking is out of control and extremely narcissistic in nature. No thanks.
For a long time I wanted people in various internet markets and circles to know who I was and consider me important. Now, especially recently, I care very little of that validation and as a result am MUCH happier.
Oddly enough, it seems like the less that I care about others’ approval and validation, the more they want in. Isn’t it weird how that works?
Anyways – I agree with your post on almost all points. I do like to dress and look nice for my fiance though
.
Hey Paul,
Haha, I see this aswell so it’s funny that you brought it up.
This isn’t to say I’ll never dress nice, it’s just to say I’ll never do it in order to be approved or accepted by others.
Thanks for your comment Paul
Heeeey:)
Seems like you an me in the same position bud.
But even though its good not to do things for validation, I think you should keep in mind that at a point someone should stand up and fight for what they believe in.
In a sense maybe people will attack you on certain things, and it would probably still be wrong to fight for pride, it would be right to fight for what you are and for the people you have come to love.
Interesting this journey on life and how to live it:)
You know we are in the same position, that is why we get along in real life haha. But seriously, when would I have ever posted this on Facebook in the past? Never, I posted it because I really don’t care anymore, writing & PluginID are what I love doing.
Regarding fighting for what you believe in, that’s an interesting subject. If someone was getting beat up then of course I would step in for them, but in regards to my own mindsets and beliefs..I’m not sure I would push that on people.
Thanks for the comment bro, see you in a few months
BRAVO!
But somehow I don’t think it will be easy…
It’s only difficult when I start to identify with my mind or emotions. Apart from that, it’s a total breeze
Well done Glen! Doesn’t it feel good not to have to live up to other people’s expectations? It almost makes you feel like a rebel in some way.
I’ve experienced that “disconnected” feeling. It comes from living in a world that’s unfamiliar…you know, the one you just created. How do you explain something that’s so intangible….
Have you ever learned something new about yourself, say…as self-awareness that you are a valuable person, you DO create your life by your thoughts, etc…then, you can never go back to the old way of thinking. This is what creates that feeling of disconnect – basically just a new environment or way of being.
Welcome to higher personal awareness!
glen,
really enjoyed that, have came 2 the same conclusion myself in a round about way.i think, for me, it stems from internal happyness. as in not letting other people be responsible for your own happyness. be it other half, friends, society in general people tend to let these things dictate thier happyness!
satisfaction must come from inside for it to be geniune, and last. i found that being completely honest and true with myself, and not letting external factors influence this too much has done the trick.. eg not having any approval seeking!
i think you’re totally right… but i still find it very hard to fully achieve it
I’m with you 100%. It isn’t always easy, but you will quickly realize that the majority of the world is more worried about what others think of them then what they think of you. It’s the spotlight effect.
The more I go out to the clubs and put myself under social pressure, the easier it becomes to let go of ego validation and approval seeking behaviors. You cannot be great with women and seek validation at the same time…like oil and water, they DO NOT mix.