What Are You Resisting?
Glen / 
43 Comments / 
October 7th, 2009 / 
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Sorry for the less than descriptive title, but I recently had a “mini-epiphany” or what I call a mindgasm and wanted to share my thoughts. To follow along, I want you to think of all the goals you have in life. They could be earning more money, leaving your job, becoming more confident, losing weight, or anything like that. Just think of a few right now.
Next, I want you to think about what stops you from achieving those goals. Does too much competition stop you from building a business? Do you not have enough time to get things done? Does your social anxiety stop you becoming confident? Does your slow metabolism stop you from losing weight?
Whatever your reasoning is for not achieving your goals, you do have reasons. Now my mindgasm (there’s more) involves knowing that in addition to these reasons (excuses), we have resistance:
- “If I didn’t have this social anxiety, I could be so confident and outgoing”
- “If I was better looking I could find an attractive partner”
- “If I was more tech-savvy I could be making money online and quit my job”
The first example resists social anxiety, the second resists your level of attractiveness, and the third resists your computer skills.
Before I explain why this matters, let’s look at opposites real quick.
Everything Has a Counterpart
Well, most things do anyway. We have fat vs. thin, tall vs. short, rich vs. poor, ugly vs. pretty, love vs. hate (or indifference), fast vs. slow, smart vs. dumb and so on. I could list thousands more, but I’m sure you get the picture.
If we take this a little further, we could also say that:
- If there were no tall people, there would be no short people.
- If there were no rich people, there would be no poor people.
- If there was no space, there would be things.
If everybody was the same height, we wouldn’t need the words short and tall. People would just be…whatever they are. If everyone had exactly the same income and outgoings, we wouldn’t need the words rich and poor. Yet, we can’t have one without the other. There can’t be tall people without short people. There can’t be rich people without realising ‘rich’ means they have more money than someone else (the poor).
Your Excuses Have an Opposite
Now let’s go back to the excuses (and resistance) you conjure up to explain why you don’t achieve your goals. Instead of resisting the reasons you have for why you’re not achieving your goals, look instead to see if you’re just resisting the outcome of the goal, rather than the process.
For example, say you’re shy / socially awkward and want to develop confidence. You believe you have social anxiety and think that if you didn’t, then life would be great. Your ‘problems’ would just disappear. Well, maybe…just maybe…the opposite is the case. It’s not the social anxiety holding you back, it’s the actual possibility of being who you want to be. You’re actually resisting being a highly social person.
Or we could look at getting a partner as another example. Instead of having your ‘looks excuse’ to use as a reason for why you can’t get a girlfriend or boyfriend, maybe you’re just scared of being that attractive person. I mean, have you really tested the belief? Maybe you don’t know what life would be like without this problem anymore, so you just cling on to it.
I’m not going to end this post with action steps as I normally do because, quite honestly, I don’t have any. Instead, once I realised that I can be who I want to be right now if I just stop resisting it, I had a major internal shift.
And finally, let me end with a question. If someone who has been known as chronically shy their entire life gets up on stage in front of 2,000 people and gives a powerful, confident speech, what are they? Are they still shy? I’m not looking for answers, but think about it. Look inside to see if your excuses are real, or you’re just resisting being who you’re meant to be.
Either way, you can change. Right now.
If you enjoyed this post, I would appreciate if you share it on Twitter, Facebook or Delicious!
When I was younger, I thought being short was bad. Nowadays I use it to my advantage. There’s not a better way to be, but everyone has his advantages.
I find people tend to look for alternatives to suggest their disadvantage is actually a benefit. For example, on a forum I frequent, one short guy said “we look more elegant and graceful when we walk.”
I found it pretty funny, but then tons of other short guys started agreeing with them. I guess seeing it as an advantage is better than looking for ideas to turn your belief around
Tall people can reach the top cabinet without a stool, but short people don’t have to duck.
There are advantages and disadvantages to both.
The speech thing is interesting, because social anxiety effects about 20 million Americans, or at least it is known to effect that many, the real figure is likely a lot higher.
If we ever demonstrate confidence (or any other attribute for that matter), then we are a confident person, we just can’t tap into it when we want to. That is definitely down to resistance or our belief system whatever you want to call it.
Everybody has everything in them if only they believed they did.
Take golf as an example. What if you thought you were as good as your best shot in golf rather than being as bad as your worst? Anybody that’s played the game has nailed a drive down the center of the fairway. Much more empowering!
What would you recommendation be to tap into confidence more often? Anchors have been quite effective for me, but not that effective.
P.S. Nice example at the end there
The golf example actually struck me. I last played golf 18 years ago when I walked off the course in the middle of the round and never went back. I was playing my third round in a month very poorly and all I kept thinking is I’m not having any fun because I AM better than this. I think the whole time I was actually considering myself as the low 80′s golfer that I had been, not the mid to high 90′s that I was shooting at the time. So considering myself as good as my best shooting actually had a reverse effect when I was doing poorly. Interest for me to think about!
There’s two kinds of things people wish they could change. Unfortunately only some things are changeable. You can change your weight, income, knowledge, etc. But some people want to go onto change what shouldn’t be changed, such as height, skin colour, etc. Humans seems to never be satisfied with what nature gave them.
People should look for ways to use their apparent short-comings to their advantage.
Good post.
Well said Gordie, thanks for the comment mate
“I mean, have you really tested the belief? Maybe you don’t know what life would be like without this problem anymore, so you just cling on to it.”
….I think you made a great point here. False paradigms become little comfort zones that we decorate with pretty excuses, lovely reasons, and logical doubts.
The interesting thing about human beings is that we have an exceptional although under-developed ability to re-create ourselves at any minute. We think of “change” within a time based model that gives us just enough room to give up. Whereas by viewing change as a decision in the present, we immediately become powerful agents of transformation.
Doubts and limiting scripts handed down may force false paradigms upon us, but I like how Stephen Covey puts it, “the map is not the territory.” A shift in paradigm corrects the belief, the emotion, the attitude, and then the action.
Hey Ron,
Definitely. I’ve not only seen that in myself but seen it in people around me as well.
Nice quote!
Another you can do is ask yourself what would it be like if i actually achieved this. I think for most people it’s not the hard work or struggle involved in changing their lives – it’s the extreme fear of actually achieving those goals and become a new person. Most people are actually terrified of undergoing an identity change
Yep, I’ glad that message came across in the post. I was worried I was rambling
I agree that the first step to change is acceptance(or like you say, “stop resisting”).
To give an example, i used to be quite shy. I didn’t have much success with girls because of that. The funny thing is it made me angry when people described me as “introverted” or “shy” because that’s not the way i saw myself, or the way i wanted to be seen. Because of this “resistance” i never did anything to improve my situation. Over the last year my attitude changed and i accepted that i am introverted, but at the same time i could and should talk to people/girls more. Over time my social skills improved up to the point where i was talking to a girl i didn’t know in a bar and some guy patted me on the back saying: “damn, you’re good”. I’ve had a lot of gf’s and made a ton of new friends during the last year. But now i don’t have any problem describing myself as introverted, because i’ll never be super-extraverted. But i accepted it, so it’s not a problem anymore.
And in the case the situation isn’t changeable (like being small) it’s better to accept it as well, instead of wasting energy and time on things you can’t change.
That is an excellent example Jay, thanks for sharing buddy.
I like this quote my Hale Dwoskin:
“You’re only stuck with something to the degree that you resist it.”
Heya
Interesting way of looking at it, I hadn’t really thought about it, although the things i do think about is that you can’t really appreciate the good without knowing or experiencing the bad.
I think it’s true, that deep down we are afraid of achieving some of our biggest dreams, but maybe we all lie to ourselves? What if what we think are our major dreams, are in fact illusions, and our subconcious knows this, and that is why it will not let us achieve it.
I don’t really have an answer to your question, or this topic. I think the best is to truly discover what you want, and then just go for it, be prepared to sit it out for as long as it takes and be prepared to fail and fall time and time again until you get it right.
Some things are worth it, and some are not
Cool post, gave me something to think about
I love the counterpart bit. This is the kind of stuff that really motivates me. My mentor says something similar and it’s basically this: We all deserve abundance in life, and that abundance is free and plentiful in everything in our lives. But we get this idea that their is not enough for everyone. It’s kind of crazy when you stop and think about it. I mean, we don’t believe that there is only enough joy in the world to go around – or that the love will run out. We don’t believe that for someone to be in love, then someone else has to be heart broken. So this should apply to abundance as well. There are not poor (whether financially or a poor life) because there are rich – there are poor because we haven’t gone out there and gotten the life we deserve. I can vouch for this in my own life!
Interesting way of looking at it, Glen. I get the yin-yang concept you’re using here and another way to look at it is you already are all of these things.
For instance: you’re both attractive and unattractive. Even the most attractive person is ugly to someone else. You’re both shy and confident. You may be confident in large groups but shy in a different situation. You’re both rich and poor. You get my drift… I don’t believe any one person is 100% attractive/ugly/rich/poor/what-have-you.
In the optimal state, people really are gray areas. They have a little bit of everything so it all cancels each other out as a whole.
Most people are unbalanced (but I like your use of the word ‘resistance’ better), which is why they feel like they are so black or white, either/or.
Hey Glen cool stuff here.
I think everyone reads this and instantly sees or thinks about the thing they are regularly resisting.
I do like the part about counterparts. It is a good reminder to those that ‘have’ that their having comes from a comparison to those that ‘have not’.
I would agree that these internal resistances are what heavily lowers competition that most people would provide in the public domain. We always hear about the one person who conquered their resistances in some way and breaks out to do stupendous things, but forget to realize that that ability is in the other people who are yet to do so.
One of the most powerful paradigm shifting moments for me was when a mentor of mine asked what I was afraid of. I told him I was afraid of failing, and he challenged me, saying that I already knew what would happen if I failed. How can there be fear in the known. But what if I succeeded? What a terrifying prospect? What would I want for if my goals were met? What would be left to try for? How was I standing in my own way and how could I get out of the way and take the plunge?
Beautiful reminder. Thank you.
I think all resistance usually comes down to two things…FEAR and EGO. When we can overcome both a bit (I know we can’t completely), we can then face and do what we have really wanted to do instead of resisting it.
Loved this post Glen!
Thanks again,
Dayne
Hey Glen,
This really made me think.
It made me think that sometimes things happen in our life that don’t change us but flavor us…and how sometimes that masking flavor can be very strong.
How do you change the things that modify your verbs?
Take care,
Jill
Jill’s current post: Your Lips Are Moving But…
Great stuff man! Reminds me of the “Excuses Begone” program by Wayne Dyer.. That is literally life changing.
His belief is this:
When you have an excuse: For example: “I can’t lose weight”, ask yourself are you 100 percent certain that you can’t lose weight? Any sane person would obviously be unable to agree with that statement.
So if you’re not 100 percent certain you can’t lose weight then might as well believe you can.
Another example: “Losing weight is going to be painful” Are you 100 percent sure losing weight is going to be painful? Again most people would say no.. Then choose the belief that losing weight won’t be painful.
The world exists from opposites. There is no happiness without sorrow, no life without death, no love without hate.
Loved your mindgasm dude. Have more
I am experiencing a lot of change in my life right now, so I am constantly at the point of encountering my own resistance. One consequence is that I am digging deeper into my own psyche to stare down change. To flow with change, first I must witness it, rather than to deny or resist it.
This has had the simultaneous effect of making me more approachable and more willing to ask for what I want. Less anxiety? I described to my doctor what I was feeling (I’d brought notes too), then had an epiphany — one of those flash of awareness moments — right then. So rather than starting anti-anxiety meds, we simply switched a medication I must take for a chronic condition. Overnight, nearly complete remission of my anxiety. And I’m sleeping better now.
Other times too, lately, what I want arrives once I witness my condition to others. Conversely, I am expressing more compassion than usual.
Be more human than your resistance to change. There really is a flow to this. Be a part, not apart.
Hey Glen,
If you give yourself permission to be awesome, you can do–or be–anything.
Like you mentioned, people give themselves excuses for not being someone. “If I was less shy, I could meet new people” or whatever. Years of others (and then themselves) saying that they’re this type of person makes them believe that. “I’m an introvert.” “I’m not a creative type.” “I could never be an actor.”
The hardest (but also easiest) part is to just imagine yourself being someone you’d like to be. It’s free; you just picture yourself talking to that attractive girl, dancing, singing in front of thousands. Really picture it. Once you see yourself actually doing it, all of a sudden that goal becomes less abstract. “I could see myself being like that.”
By picturing yourself already accomplishing your goal, you’re giving yourself permission to be that person. The excuses start to wither away as you start to think how you can achieve this goal.
Great mindgasm, looking forward to more,
Oleg
Yeah, sometimes we just get comfortable clinging to the ideas we have of ourselves. It can be hard to let go of those even if it means we step into what we want to become.
I used to be pretty shy myself as well. I’ve since given all sorts of presentations, and gone up to so many strangers to introduce myself, and dated women that I used to think I had no business dating.
It’s strange. I still consider myself shy. I just decided one day that yes, I’m shy, but I’m still going to give a killer presentation/make some friends/ask out this girl anyway.
Love this post! Have you read Loving What Is? That book really helped me to realize that I need to be content with what’s happening and who I am right now. Not always easy, but life is actually SO much better when I do this.
I had my own mindgasm recently. It was realising that I really WAS the creator of my own world. I can be and do anything.
No excuses – ever, ever.
Wow Glen just what I needed right now…
that little push in the right direction. I have a little problem. I lose motivation fast and everytime I read something uplifting I gain that motivation right back…
I have a problem…I found a job recently (been jobless for months)…It’s a job that I got against my will because bills are pilling up. I just finished my website…and this is stupid to say but I’ve been procrastinating like crazy. It should have been finished like 2 months ago. What a waste of my time. Now I’m beating myself up for being too lazy.
Anyway, I start at my new job at a store (yuk!) in one week which I already dread going to and I wish I could really start making money today…at least soon =(
I do have the motivation to start right now…after reading this article so thank you. I hate the thought of getting back to the rat race.
Can I ask you a question Glen? Do you believe someone’s life can change in one week?
@Katya: A person’s life can change in one day if they choose. Although, it’s important for one to avoid the quick fix as these ‘patches’ one day come crumbling down.
If there’s anything you should be working on it’s your thoughts
Let me know if I can be of any help.
Hi Glen,
We are our biggest obstacle. We can be who we want to be but most of us don’t because we our thoughts resist change and we stay the same. Our perception is important too. There are always 2 side to a coin and it is our choice to look at which side of it.
Cheers,
Vincent
Interesting, we really are afraid of our light. We are afraid of putting everything we can in to something. Because if we fail than it will feel like everything we had fails too. The labels than become excuses to avoid admitting this, we aren’t shy, we just act that way.
A great idea Glen!
Every one of us has a certain belief on what the world is like. But like all models “Although they are mostly usefull, they are never right”
Believing is a self fulfilling prophecy… just think of yourself as a charismatic person and you will radiate it. Simple as that.
Thanks for pointing it out, need to work more on my beliefs and what I’m resisting
It’s funny that you have the two sides of the coin analogy. That has been something I have been exploring for years..only my examples where from a sports perspective. There can be no winners with out the losers. Its the very fact that we need one to have the other that always blows my mind. People like to think that the world has just evil in it, to me though that is impossible. Nothing can be evil with out knowing what good is. Which can give people hope since if there are bad things out there….then we know there has to be good things out there also.
Vince
Very well said Glen. I believe that we are the ones who set our limitations. If we could only change our negative mindset, we can do wonders for our self.
@ Glen – An anchor is essentially a conditioned response no different to Pavlovs dog. They can sometimes take a while to build up when we are setting them intentionally. I’d say stick with it, I have known people take 25 or even 50 attempts to nail it.
I think the more you tap into a state the more easily you can do it again. I don’t see any reason why confidence can’t be present all the time. As an example I’m sure when you’re writing a post you’re confident you’ll finish it, publish it and get traffic to it, right?
They work brilliant in conjunction with submodalities btw.
Great article. I believe in parts of my life I have been the master of resistance. I just take a deep breath and relax and it is over.
Rick
resisting writing a new article
busy doing some eft on it actually… i’ll letcha know how it rolls
You should stop making promises on Twitter / Facebook. People stop trusting you.
Great post! Resistance can be eliminated once action is taken. Action stops fear and worry dead in its tracks like superman holding up a tossed car. Its about taking action towards your fears which eliminates them!
“Maybe you don’t know what life would be like without this problem anymore, so you just cling on to it.” – Great mindgasm
It’s made me wonder if when I say “I don’t have time for that goal right now”, am I being realistic? Or am I afraid of the outcome?
Or…
What’s the first thing you’d do, right now, if you knew you would be successful…
That was a mindgasm for me… Totally awesome way to fight resistance.
It’s an open door to discover what you really want…
Hey this post here http://www.rebelzen.com/2009/08/the-law-of-repulsion/ is kind of about this, sorta, i.e. opposites.
Anyway, I love those massive epiphanies and then trying to convey that in writing, which is the difficult part.