I attended my second funeral in as many months today. Just over a week before, I had watched my next door neighbour (who I thought of as my gran) slip away as I stood by her hospital bed. I was amazed that while her death was inevitable in the next few hours, she was still able to speak and interact with those who visited her.
At the time, I was tempted to ask her what message she would give to me from all her life experience but I decided it wasn’t appropriate. The funeral today was nothing like the one I attended for my real grandmother two months ago. This one was filled with both sadness and love.
Two Funerals
I didn’t know my real grandmother very well. She was the only grandparent I ever met, but she greatly distanced herself from the family and only seemed to care about one of her four children. I don’t want to disrespect her in any way (or upset any family members who might ever read this) but in my honest opinion, she was far from a gran to me.
At her funeral, the son who she had left everything to and disregarded the rest of her family for didn’t even turn up. When it was time to discuss her life, the only thing anybody was able to say was that she “enjoyed dancing.” In 70+ years of her life, nobody had anything else to share.
Today was completely different. My ‘gran’ filled the room with those who wanted to pay their respects and remember her in company. The thing that was so different though wasn’t the people or even the clear love that they had for her, but what was said about her life. Compared to the speech that lasted 20 seconds about my real gran, this one lasted more like 20 minutes.
I learned more about her than I had ever known, and while the history of her life lasted a long time, not one person rambled on or spoke slowly. They just simply had so many good things to say about her. Things that I could attest to in the 20 years that I’ve known her.
What Would They Say About You?
While I was sitting there and listening to the words people had to share, I got to thinking about what people would say about me? And if they didn’t have anything nice to say, would it even matter? After all…I would be dead.
I will share what I think people would say about me in the comments, but I’ll quickly state that on a core, deep level, it doesn’t matter what anyone says about you once you’re gone. If my view of reality is even slightly correct, we won’t know about it, so why should we care? On the other hand, I know that when I do die, I would like to know the people who came to say goodbye were there because they loved me and were honoured to know me. Not just for the sake of going.
So, over to you: what would people say when you’re gone? In a way, this is a question to help you gain perspective (some other good ones can be found here) because I’m not asking what you would like people to say, I’m asking what you think they would say.
If you don’t like the answer, it’s not too late to change it by changing the way you live.
Note: I don’t know how funerals operate in other parts of the world, but in the UK, people tend to list what this person has achieved and accomplished in their life, and what kind of person they are.
I believe people would say that I was willing to push my limits and followe my desires, no matter where they took me. I would always try to help a person in need, even if I sometimes had attitude or validation issues.
I worked hard on projects that were solely designed to help other people be who they want to be and live the life they want to live. I worked on things that I didn’t like about myself, and didn’t blame others for my situation. I realised that the way my life panned out was completely up to me.
I can’t wait to read yours in the comments below!
We don’t do that here in Italy, at least not at the last funeral I went a few months ago (my cousin). I think it is difficult to tell what other people would tell about me, but my last experience remembered how life is priceless and that I must act now if I want to achieve something, because tomorrow is only an illusion and we cannot be sure it will come.
Hey Oscar, how do things happen in Italy?
We simply do the ceremony in the church. Maybe someone will remember who we was, but I don’t feel that’s an important part of the ceremony, at least in my experience.
Glen,
It’s an intriguing question. Having only recently begun my journey on self discovery with the intention of finding a guiding purpose in life I would hope people remember me for my unrelentless passion for understanding the world around me, my never ending quest for answers and compassion for all living beings.
I don’t have all this figured out yet, but I must agree with you about the point you make whether it matters if people liked you or not. A genuine and authentic life will very likely be appreciated by many regardless, but most of all I want to be able to tell myself in the end that I’m happy with who I was. Ultimately I do not seek to validate myself through the eyes of others.
Thanks for a good read.
Great comment Christoffer, I completely agree.
Thanks for stopping by!
If I were to be honest, I think they’d say about me:
1. He tried constantly to better himself and the world around him
2. He struggled to enlarge his compassion, mostly succeeding, but sometimes not
3. He was intensely creative and bent his creative energies not just toward his self-fulfillment but for the betterment of humankind
4. He was funny but took himself too seriously
5. He always tried to do what he thought was the right thing even though he often wasn’t exactly sure what that meant
6. He really did care about the suffering of others and whenever it was shown directly to him, did everything he could to alleviate it
7. He gave too much advice and not enough encouragement
8. He let his fear of new things prevent him from exploring the world too often
Alex
I like to see you have points both good and ‘bad’ here Alex, excellent list.
I can definitely relate to number 8. Thank you for sharing!
I like number 4. If any one knows how to not take yourself too seriously while keeping a healthy self-image I would love to read that.
On 7, man I hope I give enough encouragement.
I have been a subscriber to your blog for the past couple of months and have decided to introduce myself because I like the theme behind this email. I am also a writer/inspirational speaker (a brand new website is currently being built) and in my email subscription, that I happened to send this morning, I discussed the loss of my grandfather. This happened to have taken place only two days ago and although this is a difficult time for my family, it also allows us to celebrate my Papa Mark’s life…instead of having a typical funeral, we have decided to host a CELEBRATION OF LIVING, where all of the attendees (I expect at least 1,000 because of the type of person that he was)will have the opportunity to share how my grandfather impacted their life. This will NOT be a day of mourning and instead will be the opportunity to express our thanks to a legend in the lives of many.
Now that you have my email, since I included it with this post, I encourage you to email me at some point because I believe that a synergy has the potential to be established because of how we view the world…I look forward to connecting!
What I see in memorial services and funerals is a propensity to remember those who have passed from an angle of loss. I truly believe this will be the same at my service. People will say about me what they saw from their perspective, which I don’t fully know. I can guess that some will remember me as funny and creative, others as a dedicated husband and father, some as a source of inspiration, and still others as out-of-the-box thinker. Will they remember all of my faults? Some, perhaps. I would hope they would. If they leave those out, then they are speaking about someone completely different than this particular person. But all that aside, whatever they say will be meaningful only to them and anyone else who relates.
The bigger question for me is will they convince themselves that I am gone? Because after all, what am I? At death, the body is gone. Is this person that they will be talking about just a hunk of flesh? We far too often think that the identity we remember is also gone when the body dies. But that identity exists in our mind in both life and in death. And the energetic life force that drove the “person” went nowhere.
The thing that happens at death is a feeling of loss is added to the consciousness of those who are survived. That feeling of loss is the perpetrator of all sense of separation from the person. When it is let go of, one can see there is in reality no separation from the person. Then we can remember them in the oneness that is always here instead of from an artificial (imagined) angle of loss. A much more “alive” way to remember those who have passed.
Best!
-Craig
Hey Craig,
You definitely have an interesting viewpoint about all of this.
Thank you for taking part and sharing your thoughts!
- Glen
Thanks Glen, just wanted to pitch in from a non-dual perspective.
What a great comment, Craig.
You’re right, our body is just a part of our identity. Not all of it dies. When my father died last year I noticed a sudden vacuum in my life. His remarks, his suggestions, his advice… they were all just gone.
But I still see him around, in a different sense. He was a woodworker, and his handiwork is everywhere. My life continues to be shaped by his advice and his values.
Glen, this post really made me take a step back and picture my funeral. I think they’d all have nice things to say, but who knows what final conclusion they’d come to about “how I did” in life. I guess I’m really just asking myself “how am I doing?” Some valuable food for thought here.
That’s awesome, David. It’s great that you’re able to see your father still, if only from a different perspective. Most of the suffering we experience when a loved one passes is due to our placing stake in duality–which in my experience is only an appearance. The connection never goes away, we just place a feeling of loss between ourselves and the other person. When we let go of the loss feeling, we’re met with the same profound connection we experienced when the loved one was alive. This of course goes beyond spoken words.
I enjoyed reading your comment! Take care.
-Craig
Sorry if this is a little off-topic, but I’ve always been less concerned about what people would say about me when I’m gone than with what I could say for myself at the end.
Just to clarify, I’m not talking about Judgment Day or about pleading your case before a divine judge. What’s important to me is that, at the end of my life, I will be proud of myself – what I’ve done, what I’ve NOT done, what I’ve experienced, and who I’ve loved.
That’s really what motivates me.
I lost my father four years ago. He was a pastor, author, social activist and leader. At his funeral (and months during his hospitalisation)I was overwhelmed by the affection and love people showed us.
My father didn’t leave us anything in terms of inheritance or money. But what he left us was the love and affection and respect and honour from folks he worked all his selfless life.
I only hope to be able to do the same for my kids! Its priceless!
Its irrelevant what people are saying.
People say a lot of stuff every day …
Thanks for the contribution…
Glen,
This is definitely something that most people would probably be afraid to ask themselves because they’re scared of what they might find. But in alot of ways this could be one of the fundamental questions that determines the quality of our lives. In the movie School of Life, the main character said “don’t worry about what you are doing, worry about who you’re being”
Nice quote Srinivas, thanks for sharing!
I’ll have to check it out
@Jeffrey Tang
i actually agree on jeffrey Tang. its not so much about what others have to say about me, its more to what i have to say for myself.
Have awesome goals, Make good plans, stick with it. In the end of the day, you should answer to no one but to yourself and the Divine.
YOu make very good points. It was similar questions that led me to launch a project, neternity.org , with a free LifeLog section, because I feel we do not give enough thought to how we would like to be remembered, what last word we should leave, even living wills. We always assume we will have time. Time runs out faster than most of us imagine.
Hope the families of the deceased find peace soon.
Imran
Hi Craig,
I loved this. Felt like a nice little wake up call or emotional lunch brake to check in with what I’m doing and why and how it affects others. Though I feel what other people think of me is none of my beeswax I also feel that a question such as the one you presented makes us CHECK IN WITH OURSELVES first and foremost and see what kind of smell, scent we leave behind.
Awesome,
wonderfulness galore
love&laugh
Patricia
From the vantage point of my advanced years (cough, my hair is not white, only ‘sun kissed’) I can tell you that you may get a sneak preview of what people will say when you are gone.
In my case I took early retirement and alongside all the best wishes several people went out of their way to thank me for how I had helped them in their careers through my advice, development, and interview practice. They also liked my wake-up sessions in conferences (like the ‘Zen and the Art of Service Management’ – you had to be there). The pleasing thing was that I never set out to impress people, I merely cared for them as individuals, and wanted the best for them. There must be a life lesson there, somewhere.
I agree, Glen — at a fundamental level, I don’t think it matters what people say (or think) once I’m gone. As for the opinions of others, most of them are in my estimation fairly useless, and I let them cause me a great deal of suffering in younger times.
I’d rather be remember for what I’ve accomplished, and for how that has been useful to others, or better still, how that has inspired them to be useful to others.
Since I haven’t created offspring (conscious choice, that), then I figure that if anything due to my actions outlives me, it will be that.
Someone once said that love is learning how to love an imperfect person perfectly. While I admire that sentiment, I’m not sure that really works for me, simply because so many humans have so many perceptual filters between themselves and reality that I’m not sure I would trust their version of “love.”
Perfection, I think, is a bogus quality to apply subjectively anyhow, and is best reserved for objective phenomena such as gemstones.
But that trust thing. I think this is what I would like for people to remember about me, then, is that I was someone who could be trusted. I don’t have a very high level of need for relationships in my life, but I do have a few that I cherish, and I know from experience that if there is no trust, there is no relationship.
If you look at all the synonyms for trustworthy and useful, they are in fact pretty amazing. And I think I’m pretty amazing. But I don’t expect anyone else to get that.
–Bill
Hey Glen,
Just wanted to send my condolences for your loss. I know that seeing death closely in your life can cause your perspective to shift. And, from previous writings, I know this is a subject that really impacts you in living your life to the fullest.
I really think that seeing others pass makes you realize that all the things that most of us are selfishly caught up in on daily basis really don’t matter. It’s the contribution that we make on those that we care about that has the most significance in the end.
I am going on vacation to visit my 86 year old grandma next week, with the thought in my mind that no number of years is ever guaranteed. My Grandma is in good health, but as she inches closer to 90, I am painfully aware and appreciative of every moment I have left.
Thanks for the deep reflections!
Very thought provoking post Glen. I’ve thought a great deal about the question you pose in the post. To be honest I want people to say ” He lived.” That’s it. Simple.
So many people simply go through the motions and never unleash the flame that is burning inside of them. I’m not saying you have to be some super productive millionaire to “truly live”, however I am suggesting far too many people never realize how talented and special they really are.
It’s a shame really…
We get so caught up in having to make certain grades.. or having to accepted to a certain school, when in reality that doesn’t matter.
What matters is we live. We be… Yes that often can be easier said then done, but with practice it is very achievable.
Right now a shift is happening in the world. For the first time in quite a while people are finally beginning to realize the flaws in our materialistic society.
Why do you think personal development blogs are so popular these days? Everyone is looking for a quick fix.. to become happy and successful yet the secret lies between our ears.
Our thoughts create our reality.
It doesn’t matter what they say when we have passed but rather what they say we are alive.
First, accept my condolences.
Here in Spain things who approximately like in Italy, I think.
I reckon people will say about me “he was a weird smart dude with a voracious ambition who managed to die while he fought for his dreams” or something.
Again I definitely got to give props to Craig’s answer!
I don’t really let a large people get to know me very well, but the ones who do would probably say things like
He was stubborn, intelligent, and always learning. He never gave up, and if he made a promise he kept it.
Sadly I think I would also be remembered by many for being a bit distant, as I don’t always know how to relate to people. I’m doing something about this, but I have a long ways to go.
I guess what is most pressing for me is not what people will say when I’m gone, but how do I treat other people today?
A few years ago, I made the choice to live as much in the present as I can. It has made a huge difference in the way I live. I no longer find myself worried about what will happen tomorrow, or what other people are thinking/saying/doing. Instead, I am forced to look at myself, my own choices, and my own present reality.
The other interesting point about this transition for me has been accepting responsibility for my present based on my own past actions and also accepting responsibility for how I respond to the present moment in order to create a more “perfect” future for myself. (After all, each future moment is merely a present reality that is created based upon this moment I am currently living in.)
I wouldn’t want a funeral, I’d want to throw a bloody big party with a great DJ on and people could then say, he was worth turning out one more time.
My mum died last year and when I flew home for the funeral I was sad that the Church was only half full. A few years prior when my dad died the place was rammed with people stood outside that couldn’t get in.
I loved my mum, she was really funny, but underneath she was always a pessimist. My dad on the other hand was an eternal optimist and I have often wondered if that was the reason.
HI Glen,
here in Germany it depends on the individual family. Most of the times the pastor gets together with the family and asks them about some special memories they shared with that person. But I also saw it that people got up and made a ceremony themselves – especially if they are no member of the church (but even sometimes in church). There they might reflect most of the times about the good things but not neglecting the struggles those people had in their lives. After that the people gather for some tea, coffee and cake to remember the departed person and comfort those they left back.
I remember my best friend giving the eulogy for his mother that went away (she wasn’t a member of a church). He shared some funny and some sad stories and at the end he played the song that connected them both on a deep emotional level. It was “Avalon” by Roxy Music.
That was a memorable memory for all of us.
I hope that people will remember me as being a superb friend, a great force for good and as a shining example of never giving up your dreams and being true to yourself.
A great question to ponder occasionally as we make our way through life.
I don’t know what to type here. So embarrassed. Alex, love you. Take care.
I just want to say this. Love you. You are a good man.
This is a sad topic…
Very good post
I’m not quite sure what people would say when I die. It’s honestly too early to think that, but I can’t say I haven’t thought of it already.
To be honest, I want them to say nice things about me, but then the thought creeps in that I won’t have any way of knowing. For me and my beliefs, I think my question would be “What would God say when it’s my time?”. Like I think when I’m gone I will have to face him and see what he has said about my life, etc. Am I making any sense? Lol.
this is quite a scary topic but one must think about it, thanks for reminding us of it